- All of the bodies were cleared out last week.
- Have you ever cultivated a termite farm before?
- You would share a backyard with the State Penitentiary.
- I’d recommend some steel bars for those windows.
- Have you ever seen The Money Pit?
Have any other ideas? We’d love to hear them. Just put them in the comments section!
BOSTON – “The Rocket” Roger Clemens was recently caught taking steroids and HGH at a press conference he arranged. The press conference was called to deny allegations that he had used performance enhancing drugs while playing Major League Baseball. Brian McNamee saved the syringe and plans on donating it to the steroids era exhibit at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.
One of the biggest mistakes rookie salesmen make is failing to ask for the sale. I’m going to go one better, most salesmen refuse to demand the sale.
The problem with asking, you light-loafered hawker, is it gives your prospect a chance to choose between yes and no.
Why would you give them the option to say no?
Closers don’t take no for an answer. Take control. Their kids get to eat if they say no, but yours don’t. Keep that in mind when you’re sucking the country’s welfare system dry. If only you had demanded that sale, you would be livin la vida loca.
Of course when you demand the sale, you better have a threat to back it up. Demanding without a threat is like a van without a bed. It just doesn’t make sense.
You need to have a well-placed threat like, “Remember Carl, I know where you live, 304 West Archer,” or “What’s the most important part of your body Stan? Do you want to keep it?”
It’s a necessity. What do you maniacs do to demand a sale?
Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince’s personal sales playbook called, “Just Buy It: Or I’ll Stab You.”
“This is one of the questions I get asked the most.
You buy a pair of slacks, keep the tag on, wear them to your high school reunion, and then return them the next day. Everyone’s done it. However, how long can you get away with this?
My longest? A year and a half. Of course there was a bit of confusion when the Salvation Army thought I was donating the pants.
The key to this… how clean can you keep your pants? I slopped jelly on the pants and I wore to my high school reunion, but I was able to get away with it by folding it just so.
Unfortunately, there is no exact answer. I like to go as soon as possible in order to have a fully customizable wardrobe. $20 for a year’s worth of clothes ain’t to shabby.
Have you ever done this? How long did you wait to return them? “
Dollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil. Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests. In a way he’s the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.
Technorati Tags: comedy, humor, funny, saving money
As most of you mental midgets know, people buy things based on emotions, not logic. And what’s the number one emotion that leads to a sale?
Fear! You jag bags!
That’s why I scare all potential clients. Keep in mind mongoloids, you haven’t done your job properly unless your prospect needs new pants or cries like a Sallie Mae.
So, Vinnie, how can I scare the man out of my clients? Good question.
Now you’re learning.
Shouting is a must. Leave the jokes, conversation, and relationship building for untalented hacks. Here are some of the supplies I’d recommend:
Duct tape, rope (synthetic or steel), a sharp knife or shiv, a car battery, a gallon of gasoline, a match book, a cinder block, and a small boot pistol.
Hey Vincent! Where am I gonna put all this junk? Good question. It’s simple. The last part of the kit is a body bag. I shouldn’t have to go into a whole mess of detail on properly using these supplies to get a confession/sale.
It’s pretty simple.
If you still don’t understand, stop reading, you’re wasting your time. If you’re having second thoughts about doing this yourself, I don’t have any problem with reinforcements. If you don’t have the stomach for it, outsource it. You can find a slew of reputable hit men available throughout the country.
Is it right to play on a customer’s fear? What about the fear of loss? What about the fear of loss of a finger?
Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince’s personal sales playbook called, “Just Buy It: Or I’ll Stab You.”
I was going to write about the forgotten stars of LaCrosse, but have there ever been any stars of lacrosse? I don’t know. A reader suggested this title to me, and quite frankly I can’t think of any forgotten lacrosse stars. I know there was Duncan Feebles, but I wouldn’t really classify him as a star, a dynamo, but not a star. Besides everyone still remembers him. So I’ve decided to list my top 3 American Gladiators of all time…
Thunder Thighs – Thunder Thighs looked like a man, but I’m fairly positive she was a woman. She looked amazing and her face looked like it was literally chiseled from stone. Her greatest asset? You guessed it. Her thighs. Described on the telecasts as portable tree trunks. Her legs provided a very solid base to work from. She was excluded from aerial games, but was quite dominant in Powerball.
Magic Man – Magic Man was one of the biggest gladiators on the show, and he was cut. He had muscles everywhere. He barely looked human due to the fact that his steroid enhanced shoulders covered most of his neck. He had an inability to raise his hands above his head, but that didn’t stop him from excelling at the Joust.
Lard – Lard was the fattest Gladiator on the show, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t agile. In fact I daresay he could have been one of the fastest Gladiators in competition. He was unstoppable whenever he got his body moving. Due to his excess mass, he had the ability to pummel competitors into submission without using appendages. How he did it, I’ll never know. He excelled on the Rings. Once he swung… Watch out!
Who was your favorite American Gladiator and why?
(Editor’s Note: Ricky’s selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
"Don’t screw up. Life will plow you over in a second."
Hudson – 2007
Semi-Motivational Quotes come directly from the Rib Riot C.E.O, Hudson. Hudson has used this collection of quotes to inspire and motivate his Rib Riot employees, impress his dates, and to make himself appear smarter than he really is. They are offered to you free of charge so that maybe you too will be inspired and motivated to accomplish somewhat great things with your life.
Technorati Tags: comedy, humor, motivational quotes
HOLLYWOOD – Paid programming was renewed for a staggering 27th season yesterday amidst an ongoing writer’s strike that threatens to disrupt the Oscars this year. Paid programming has a fresh new line of infomercials including juicers and real estate scams in the works. Orange Glow has been lined up for sweeps week.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned while dabbling in the mafia, it’s that people will talk when their life is threatened. I’ve been using these nuggets of 12K gold for years while cold calling, and now my loyal subjects, I pass them on to you.
Heavy breathing is a must. I like using a deeper voice and I’ll even periodically laugh.
Threatening your client’s family’s safety also goes a long way and gathering personal information on their loved ones adds credibility to this tactic. However, it will only work if you go the extra mile and put in the legwork and preparation.
Breaking in after hours and setting up some sort of ransom situation also works well. This even gives you a chance to express your inner girl with some arts and crafts.
… Or you can tell your prospect that you’ve got a knife and that you’re not afraid to use it.
Call from inside their place of business, and while you’re talking to them, let them know you’re looking at them.
Finally cut their phone lines and walk into their office with a cinder block and a rope. Works every time.
Do any of you pussbags have any other cold calling tips that work?
Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince’s personal sales playbook called, “Just Buy It: Or I’ll Stab You.”
"Nothing feels better around the house than a pair of moccasins. However, you’d be a dummy to pay for this luxury. If you’re like me and have nasal allergies and other mucus related afflictions, you probably go through your fair share of Kleenex. Don’t throw away your old boxes! These little dandies are the perfect fill-ins while lounging around the house. If you invested in Aloe Kleenex, you’re in for a real treat. Remember to get the gondola boxes though. The square boxes gave me claw foot for about a year. Can you think of any additional uses for Kleenex boxes?"
Dollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil. Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests. In a way he's the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.
Technorati Tags: comedy, humor, funny, saving money
