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The Death Of Dried Flowers


September 26th, 2005

Dried FlowersIn this day of the modern woman, how can women still be fascinated by flowers that have been dried like a piece of beef jerky?

And how much of my grandmother’s perfume are they going to spray on them?  Trust me ladies there’s enough.  I could smell that through a gas mask.  Most american males are highly allergic to this pungent aroma.  It’s almost Kryptonite.

When will the obsession stop?  In researching this topic, I found a heart wrenching story to some and a joyous occasion to most from Deb:

"I live in Nebraska, and there are little brown moths that appear out of nowhere, and they love to feast on dried flowers.  About 5 years ago I had an epidemic.  Has anyone ever experienced this, and if so what did you do to stop the manifestation?  I had to throw everything away.  It was heartbreaking."

I’m sure it was Deb.  It appears that the population of dried flowers is waning thanks to the  work of the friendly invisible moths that “appear out of nowhere.”  If I could  give the head moth a pin for his duties I would, but I’m afraid the pin would just burst through his tiny thorax.  So congratulations to the moth or team of moths that ravaged through Deb’s collection.  Unfortunately, these moths declined to comment in order to keep their anonymity, in the hopes of destroying more dried flowers.

It would seem that the population of women enjoying the horrendous aroma of dried flowers is faltering, but a new epidemic is arising.  Scrap booking.

Scrap booking has now become a multi-dollar business.  For the uninformed, it involves the cutting up of pictures and construction paper to make pretty little designs.  It is most commonly enjoyed by women and very decorative men.  I’m concerned.

Do you know who likes scrap booking?  Kidnappers.  Kidnappers invented scrap booking while figuring out a festive and cute way to present ransom notes.

So what can we do?  It’s almost for certain that women and kidnappers are joining forces and raging a full scale war against the common man.  My biggest fear is that scrap bookers everywhere might get the crazy idea to add dried flowers to their books.   Then where would we be?

I can only hope that a new breed of scrapbook and dried flower eating moths can control the assault and send Deb and her friends back to a state of heartbrokenness.

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Enough With The Pizza


September 24th, 2005

Pizza HutHello, and welcome to the very first of many blogs.  Pizza ads are getting pretty extreme lately aren’t they?  Pizza Hut has just released a new fantasy pizza.  Apparently, they have somehow managed to stuff another layer of breadsticks into their pizza.     Bravo,  I say.  Bravo.  Where do they find all that room?

This truly is a momentous occasion, but wait!   It seems that we’ve forgotten about Domino’s Pizza and their crusade to combine two meals into one.  Do you want pizza or steak tonight?  Screw it, put ‘em together.

With competition heating up and new competitors entering the fray daily, such as Little Caesar's and their homeless man bargain five dollar pizza, I have one thing to say.  Unimpressed.  If Pizza Hut could bake a two liter soda into the crust, I would be mildly amused.  If Domino’s could make a whole meal into a small disc that cooks to full size in a mere seconds, I would be overjoyed.

We would finally be catapulted into Robert Zemeckis’ vision of the future.  Surprisingly, ten years ahead of schedule.  Oh, what a wonderful world we would live in, but what would happen if we could eat a whole meal in a single bite?

Unfortunately, this brings up a world-wide debate that rages between Republicans and Democrats alike.  Pill foods.  Although I don’t believe that artists should go out of their way to jam their personal political views down people’s throats, I’m afraid I must clock in on this issue.

I’m against pill foods.  I find that the cramming of an entire meal into a easy to swallow caplet may save time, but ultimately takes away the beauty of  eating a bucket of cold chicken in your underpants while watching Designing Women reruns.  Don’ t act like you haven’t done it.

So, when the next election comes around make your voices heard as we rise up against pill food.  This, of course, should not be confused with the aforementioned Back to the Future pizza, the “Zemeckis Pizza,” which does cook to a full size even though it starts off very small.  It is not pill food, as some Democrats would have you believe.

Pill food is defined as, a small pellet or tablet that consists of the material served and eaten in one sitting.  The “Zemeckis Pizza” is not a pellet or a tablet.  It’s that simple.  I believe that the “Zemeckis Pizza” is the solution to our country’s future eating epidemic, and I hope you agree.

That’s all for now.  Remember, don’t be an idiot when it comes to political issues like this, and find out the facts from both sides.  I encourage you to sample all sorts of pizza.

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