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PETA Debate


October 31st, 2005

Fat Kid With a SlingshotWhile my affiliation to such animal rights groups stays in limbo, I write with a heavy heart.  By limbo I mean, refusal to join PETA or any other animal rights group. 

Both animal rights and animal cruelty groups were both making wonderful offers for me to join this past week, making my decision difficult. 

The animal rights group was shoving soy burgers and crappy frozen dinners at me.  Meanwhile, the Animal haters were logically explaining the rules of evolution while calmly pointing a 12 gauge shotgun at me. 

Both groups were pitching convincing offers.  I felt wanted and beautiful.  In the midst of this internal debate, I drove down the beltline.  The beltline is the term used for the main highway that runs through Madison. 

While driving, I spotted a white Corsica, circa 1988.  Perched atop the small luggage rack, which could probably accommodate a small piece of carry on luggage at most, was a large oversized male deer.  The deer looked happy despite the fact that it had been field dressed and was sitting atop an old Corsica. 

What the driver of the vehicle failed to realize was that his prize catch was bleeding profusely and blood proceeded to drip down the back of the white car.  It was unsettling, especially when I looked to my left and found the driver next to me frantically running his windshield wipers. 

Well, this threw one hell of a monkey wrench into this quagmire.  On one hand I love sports and meat, and on the other hand I love cute dogs and Paul McCartney.  So after hours of analysis I have come to a conclusion. 

I will be a moderate. 

Do I think animals should have rights?  No, they cannot read.  Do I think that we should kill puppies? Hell no!  (Unless for some reason they got extremely annoying)  Do I want to continue eating meat?  Why, of course, I love the Outback Steak House.  Will I eat dog?  No.  (Unless the Chinese restaurant I frequent puts it in the moo goo gai pork without my knowledge)  Will I search out animals to hit with my car? Also, a no.  Will I shoot a giant squid that threatens to eat my eggo waffle?  Yes, but not before asking him to leggo. 

These are the guidelines I’ve set up for myself, to appease both sides.  This way I can connect with everyone, except for PETA members and gun lovers, but pretty much everyone in between. 

So, if you’ll excuse me I have a hamburger to eat while I pet a stray dog.  Does anyone have any rabies spray?   What do you mean they don’t make it?  I'm drooling?  Aw Shoot.

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In Sickness and In Health


October 10th, 2005

Nolte Mug ShotI felt like crap yesterday.  You know, sick.  It came on rather suddenly, and it hurt.  Being sick is like getting a nice hard uppercut from Mike Tyson when you really want him to bite off your nose, in hopes of helping out your sinuses. 

Illnesses are scary, and so are body sized boxes.  So, in order to help myself, I developed a strict regiment to getting healthy.  Now, because I care, I’m gonna pass this advice out for free. 

Step one, pretend that you are in so much pain and discomfort that you appear to be a standing invalid.  This will ensure plenty of sad looks and good treatment.  You’re on your way to a healthy recovery! 

It is important to be specific when your sick.  For example, tell people exactly what you want no matter how labor intensive it might be.  It’ll happen.  Besides, you’re in no position to be taking yourself to the bathroom. 

On the contrast, however, you must always remain vague when diagnosing of yourself.  Always point in a circular manner when saying something hurts, and try to cover as much body mass as  possible.  You don’t want to get stuck answering the more difficult questions like, “do you have a headache?”  Stay away from specifics.  You can really get into trouble there. 

If the questions become to intense you can always say, “well, I’m not a doctor.”  This will eliminate all additional questions from non-licensed medical practitioners, such as a spouse.  WARNING:  Never say that to an actual doctor!  They quite simply can respond by saying, “well, I am,” and continue with the uncomfortable questioning.  Then, my friend, you are on the highway to the danger zone and I cannot help you. 

Another important step in faking sick…. ah being sick, is to establish a clear boundary on what you  can and can’t do.  It must be clear that you can play football outside comfortably, but it doesn’t feel good when you do anything else, like saying hello to your daughter. 

Lastly, video games and television are this era’s chicken soup and rest.  It’s a necessity.  So you’re gonna need to get eight to ten hours of that a day. 

As you can see, being sick doesn’t have to be a drag anymore.  If you follow my simple guide, you’ll be better in no time.   I’ve only had my cold for five years now and I feel great.  It’s a long road to recovery, but every step is worth it.

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Timothy’s Birth


October 3rd, 2005

AlienThere seems to be a new trend in the videotaping of births.  I, for one, find this act to be reprehensible.  I just don’t get the purpose of the average joe taping a birth.

Scientists tape births, for educational reasons.   It would appear to me that every day man is filming births for recreational reasons?

Why on earth would you tape a birth?  Out of all of the movies I can think of  to watch on a Saturday night, “Timothy’s Birth” doesn’t jump to the top.

Outside, of the Tony Danza Show, I can’t think of another tape that would be watched less.   When you make a tape like that you’re really saying, “I don’t really need this tape anymore,  I’ll just set it over here.”  It’s almost like buying ten videotapes and  hiding them.

I hope we never get to a point where people start watching these things, especially in large groups.  I’ll bring the cole slaw!  I fear that in a couple of years family movie night could turn horribly wrong when daddy puts in “Timothy’s Birth,” after making a fresh batch of popcorn and lighting a nice cozy fire.

With the advancements in technology, things can only get worse.  Soon DVD births will be all the rage.  These little wonders will be produced in anamorphic widescreen and riddled with special features.

Soon, kids will be able to watch their very own birth at an IMAX theater in 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound.   With these sound enhancements, it will be possible to hear the assisting nurse whisper to a coworker about how misshaped your head seems to be out of the left surround speaker.  Awesome!.

With births coming to the digital arena, one must speculate, what kind of special features we can expect.  All standard issue DVD’s will most likely contain a making of featurette,  “That Night in the Buick: A Clumsy Husband’s Tale.”  Odds are also pretty strong that the documentary,  “That’s to Squeeze His Head: An In -Depth Look at the Tools Used in the Delivery Room”  will  also be included.   A photo gallery with baby shower and birth photos might make the cut.  Also in as a special easter egg, “Watch Your Dad Cooing At the Wrong Baby in the Maternity Ward:  The Lost Footage.”

I can only speculate that the packaging will be a soft sack, in which the movie can gestate for several months.  No good can come of this.  Although I do think that watching ones own birth could cause serious brain defects and possibly send the universe into a state of flux, I also see dollars signs.

So, for a nominal fee I will forego my utter repulsion of child spawning and tape your next birth.  Please contact for details.

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