Characters Final Frame

Man Chainsaws House


March 26th, 2007

ChainsawWell, it turns out that a 43 year old German man was a bit upset about his recent divorce, and decided to cut his family's house in two with a chainsaw.  In case you're wondering you read correctly, he cut his whole house in two.  Some of you may be thinking that he merely cut through part of it in an attempt to make an empty gesture.  I assure you that he made a full gesture and hauled his portion of the house away on a truck.

What caused this man to do this?  A divorce is one thing, but cutting your house in half is completely different.  It's not like this was an afternoon job like cutting the grass… "Well, better go cut the house in half, been putting that off for a while now."  Part of me wonders if he was taking down his "Baywatch" posters when he ripped a portion of his German wallpaper which led to a series of unfolding disasters in an attempt to cover the blemish.  A little putty here, a trim there, and before you know it you've got 2 bedrooms and point five baths on the back of a flatbed truck.

I wonder what you think when you pull up in your drive and half of your house is missing.  It probably depends on what kind of day your having.  I can imagine pulling up and not even noticing it until you realize that your neighbors can see you tinkling in what used to be an ornate powder room.  

I guess the guy ended up going to his brother's house to stay.  I wonder what happened when the brother offered to help bring some of his things into the house.  "Gunther, you can sleep on the pull out couch, but you're not putting that thing in the rec room.  I don't care what you had to do to get it here.  Why don't you sleep in it?  I know, you already said it was drafty." 

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Dying In America


March 12th, 2007

James BrownSo, as most of you know, James Brown has passed away, and if you didn't know I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he did.  It might be time to fire up Rocky IV for a little tribute if you haven't already.

However I wouldn't be suprised if you had forgotten that James Brown died because he died on Christmas Day.  That's fastly approaching three months ago.   And he was finally, albeit temporarily, laid to rest on Saturday. 

Al Sharpton gave an over annunciated eulogy and the Godfather of Soul was placed in the crawl space of one of his daughter's houses until a more suitable shrine can be erected.   

Yet, where was he for the last 73 days?  Sure there was a couple of public viewings, but the way this estate seems to be getting handled I wouldn't be surprised if the family accidentally left him in the trunk of a taxi cab after one of the viewings.

Of course, he did have a different costume for each of the viewings, so perhaps his grandkids kept him around for a couple of weeks so they could play dress up a little longer. 

Unfortunately the fun ended when little Susie accidentally snapped off Grandpa's arm.  

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Raising The Dead


March 5th, 2007

Young FrankensteinI read today that a Pakastani man is wanted for digging up the corpse of his father in an attempt to revive him.  It's not like the father had been dead for two years… Oh wait, he was.  What were you thinking Abdul?  I can see, and possibly justify a couple days, but two years.  This isn't a case of, "I forgot to get the milk, better go pick it up."  This is more like, "Whatever happened to that A-Team Matchbox Car we had?"

There are three things about this story that intrigue me. 

One, I imagine Abdul sitting at home when he has a light bulb moment, "I've got it! Maybe, just maybe if I… He'll come back to life!"  I can only assume that his plan didn't involve the regeneration of skin and muscle tissue.  Those were merely obstacles to be tackled if the initial test worked.

The second part that makes me laugh is the fact that Abdul went through the trouble to steal an ambulance because his idea was that good.  Seriously though, he had potentially discovered the key to restoring life.  He couldn't simply drive down to the cemetary in a Mazda.  This was much bigger. 

And finally, I wish I could have been there when his extravagant plan failed.  "Son of a… Well, I guess that didn't work.  Was the chicken not fresh enough?  Or should I have used Kosher salt.  Ugh! Too many variables!  Curse you creator!"  

He also left the corpse in his bedroom for 12 hours, which makes me wonder if he was pacing back and forth in the room frantically searching for another solution.   

Oh, and did I mention that he kidnapped a "vagabond" that slept in the cemetary and proceeded to lock him in his room.  The vagabond spends time around dead people, surely he had some good ideas and suggestions on how to get this earth shattering discovery off the ground if his initial attempt failed.  Alas, his makshift Igor was useless.

Anyway, he left out of the bedroom and there's a warrant of for his arrest.  And they reburied the body.  Which is probably going to put a damper on further testing because Abdul will have to calculate digging time into his plan again.

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