Characters Final Frame

Microsoft ZuneDuring all of the iPhone commotion, Alan Rogers, was able to select and buy a Microsoft Zune in a matter of seconds.

“There was no line, and absolutely no one looking at it.  The shelves were full.  I was shocked,” said Rogers.

The Zune was released months ago in a media whirlwind that amounted to nothing.  Sales have remained sluggish.  It was supposed to be an iPod killer, but instead it has turned out to be an embarrassment.  

Rogers arrived at Best Buy expecting lines out the door.  He was so concerned about not getting one that he had been camping outside of Best Buy for the last week with a sleeping bag, a cooler, and a huge a bag of games to play with his fellow campers.  It was a lonely week.  Rogers was under the impression that the Zune was being released on Friday, even though he could have easily walked into Best Buy on Monday, when he started camping, and bought the Zune.

Brent Atwood, Best Buy's Manager, stated that Rogers, “had been there for a week, and he would come in to use the store's bathroom.  Every time he did, he walked right past the giant Zune display outside of the men's restroom.”

A Best Buy cashier said that they, “haven't sold one of those things in months.  I was surprised someone was buying it… He was so happy too.  He even asked me why there wasn't a line, I told him that we weren't carrying the iPhone yet.  I had no idea he was talking about the Zune.”

According to Rogers, “I was just happy to be one of the lucky ones to get my hands on one of these bad boys.  I can wait to let the guys on the forum know.  They'll be so jealous!”

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Man Melts In Vegas

July 30th, 2007

Man Melts In VegasA Man melted into liquid goo today due to the excessive heat in Las Vegas.  

During a late afternoon walk Gregory Stanwyck began to melt.  His fingertips were the first to go, and soon it was a race against the clock to puddle up as much of him as possible to avoid making a mess.

His wife Kathy said, “it’s the same way with the kids when they get an ice cream cone.  They take little licks, and before you know it we’ve got a little Mount Vesuvius on our hands and the backseat of the car is a disaster.”

Luckily, Stanwyck’s wife Kathy was able to collect most of him and put him into a casino token bucket.  

They are currently waiting for Greg to re-solidify in the hotel freezer, after which they will decide whether to top him with hot caramel or strawberry syrup.

“My vote is for strawberry,” said the Stanwyck’s four-year-old daughter Madeline, while Susan, the couple’s six-year-old daughter, is pulling for caramel.

According to Kathy, “this has really put a damper on the vacation, but I’m sure the kids will enjoy it.  At least we won’t have as much stuff to bring home with us.  It could be worse!”

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Backstreet BoysThree men were arrested earlier this morning for running a Backstreet Boys website.  

Federal authorities have known about the site for some time, but were waiting to make an arrest until all of the defendants could be identified.  

One of the webmasters, known to his camp as iHeartBSB, was caught posting what authorities are calling a “news update on Brian Littrell.”   

“It was a turkey chase, but we finally got ‘em.  It can get pretty tricky now.  What with all their handles, avatars, and God knows what else they use to hide their identity,” said Lt. Roger Cosby.

Two of the names were not released, but authorities have revealed that one of the posters was none other than Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.

Authorities were under the impression that they had wiped out the remaining cell of Backstreet Boys, but were surprised to find one leading this “Official” underground ring.

The FBI can only estimate how many other sites like these exist, but according to Lt. Cosby, the authorities plan on “hunting these sick and disturbed individuals out of hiding and expose them for who they are. Hopefully, this will ensure the safety of American ears.”

Messages left at Nick Carter’s neighbor’s house were not returned.

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Albino Al Gore

July 28th, 2007

Albino Al GoreThe first pictures of the rumored Albino Al Gore have emerged.  His existence has been rumored for years, and has been highly researched by cryptozooligists.  Most scientists believe this photo to be a forgery, while others say that this thing is getting out of hand.  

It is estimated that several highly vocal celebrities will band together and speak out in support of the photo and the effects it's currently having on today's society and the possible future implications it could have.  Very few will listen.

Even if this mythical beast does or does not exist what is the next step?  Very few are willing to speculate or provide a reasonable course of action.  Those that believe the photo is genuine have bandied about throwing a gigantic concert.  What is this Live Aid?

Just as fast as this picture was taken, the Albino Al Gore supposedly disappeared into a thicket of weeds.  He supposedly re-emerged later that very day to sort out some legal issues and pick up an absentee ballot. 

Is he real or just a piece of Photoshop magic?

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President BushWASHINGTON –  President Bush on Tuesday announced the creation of a brand new special task force to fight drugs, racial intolerance, and generally kick ass. 

“After much thought, I think this is gonna be pretty cool,” Bush said at a press conference in which he announced John Rambo, Mr. T, and Walker Texas Ranger would be leading his new vigilante group, called "The Action Friends."

When the press questioned the selection of two fictional characters, President Bush simply responded by saying. “It’s pretty Bad Ass huh?”

Colonel Trautman expressed his pride for John Rambo, who was unable to attend due to AWOL activity, by saying he “Was glad that John could pull his life together.  It’s been a long time since that vagrancy arrest.”

Mr. T was on hand for the press conference and was a bit peeved that his fellow leaders were unable to attend.   He looked depressed under his gold chains, but after giving a shout out to Gary Coleman, “T” announced plans to open a chain of themed restaurants with his new comrades called, “Planet Forgotten Action Star.” 

The restaurant will apparently feature memorabilia from the three semi-stars as well as collectibles from Dolph Lungren and “Hercules” Kevin Sorbo.

The Task Force’s first order of duty is to infiltrate the White House and watch Suburban Commando with the President.

Walker Texas Ranger was unable to attend the press conference because he is currently appearing in early morning re-runs.

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