Characters Final Frame

Friendships With the Opposite Sex

December 28th, 2007

"Friendships with the opposite sex are only good for awkward should we, shouldn’t we moments"
Hudson – 2007 

Semi-Motivational QuotesSemi-Motivational Quotes come directly from the Rib Riot C.E.O, Hudson.  Hudson has used this collection of quotes to inspire and motivate his Rib Riot employees, impress his dates, and to make himself appear smarter than he really is.   They are offered to you free of charge so that maybe you too will be inspired and motivated to accomplish somewhat great things with your life.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Controlling the Sales Follow-Up

December 27th, 2007

Stocked Up

The follow-up.  Come on kiddies, who are we kiddin’ here?  First of all, let me start by telling you jokesters that there shouldn’t have to be a follow-up in the first place.

If you had bought my package, you’d already know this, numb nuts.

Anyway, for you molten sacks of garbage that can’t close a deal on first contact, the following is for you.  Here’s a simple checklist to success:

  • Call a prospect four times a day until they give in.  If people didn’t like to be randomly called they’d come up with some sort of “No-Call List.”  Get on it losers.
  • If you’re forced to leave a voicemail, make it memorable.  Pretend like you’re burning in a fire when you leave the message.  You could also try pretending like you’re foreign, telling a racist joke, or pretending to be a spouse calling about something urgent that may or may not be an emergency.
  • Keep going to meet the prospect until your asked to leave the building.  Then wait by their car until their shift is over.  It’s best to wear something shiny.  Also a knife here does wonders to get the job done.
  • If all else fails, beg.  Cry if you can.

Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince’s personal sales playbook called, “Just Buy It: Or I’ll Stab You.”

Technorati Tags: , , ,

Headlines: December 25, 2007

December 25th, 2007

Stock Market Roller Coaster No Longer Fun
NEW YORK – Stock traders at the New York Stock Exchange are now sick of the market roller coaster and want to get off.  Some of the riders are getting sick, due to the constant fluctuations, and the untrained chain-smoking operator refuses to stop the ride because he’s too busy flirting with a horribly unattractive man/woman.  

Tolkien’s Ghost: “Frodo’s Gay!”
LONDON – In a rare public appearance, the ghost of J. R. R. Tolkien, announced that the main character of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Frodo, was indeed gay.  This came to as a shock to no one, and many are accusing Tolkien of trying to bolster struggling sales of the trilogy due to the recent success of the Harry Potter series.

Al Qaida Surprise Party Ends In Disaster

AFGANISTAN – A recent surprise party for Abdul Rahim, ended in tragedy when Rahim shot and killed everyone in attendance.  In a land of suicide bombings and frequent attacks this comes as no surprise.

Technorati Tags: , , ,


Rock Solid Fantasy Sports Picks

December 24th, 2007

Fantasy SportsWith several fantasy sports kicking into high gear.  I though I'd give you several solid lock picks.  All of these picks have been heavily scouted, and are guaranteed to succeed.  This time, I'll be covering the NFL, NBA, and NHL for you fantasy fanatics.

National Football League

1. Ben Cheeseburger – QB: He's having a great year, no bones about it.  After last year's bout with indigestion and his crotch rocket accident, he has emerged as a star.

2. Dicky Williams – RB: This running back recently made his return to professional football, and I couldn't be happier.  Pick this guy up if he hasn't been taken.  Just be aware that he's been recently sidelined with the munchies.

National Basketball Association

1.  Shaquilles Heel – C: – This big man has been lackluster recently, but I expect big things from him.  This 10 foot giant still has it, and the Orlando Magic should be happy they've got him. You'll be happy if you have him too.

2.  Kevin Nash – PG: – This is one of the biggest point guards I've ever seen.  At 7 feet tall, the Phoenix Suns lucked out when they picked this guy up.  I wouldn't be surprised if this guy ran on diesel fuel.

National Hockey League

1. Patrick Wa – G:– If you need a second goalie in your league, pick this guy up.  A hall of fame player like this doesn't come along to often.  Just don't embarrass yourself in league circles, because for some reason people often pronounce his last name as "Roy," even though it's clearly "Wa."

Thanks for checking out my picks, now go forth and prosper.

(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified.  Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.  Please do not make any wagers with these picks.

Technorati Tags: , , , ,

Apple iTunes

Neighbor Pilots

December 21st, 2007

Neighboring Pilots

Neighbor pilots stop in the middle of the airspace to discuss the weekend barbecue.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Lord of the RingsMiramax was floored with the success of the Lord of the Ring Trilogy, and they began to formulate a new film. They wanted to squeeze out one last film from the license.  The film was never completed, but the title has been revealed along with the initial plotlines and casting.  That movie…

Lord of the Rings: A Jeweler’s Tale.

The film was to be a buddy comedy with Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee trolling through New York hawking stolen rings.

Along their journey to sell the “one” unsellable ring, the two would encounter the homeless (CGI Characters), mass transportation, and a feisty thin heroin addict (CGI Character).

The plot was further complicated by the impending romance between the two hobbits.  The rest of the plot was illegible.  It was written in what appeared to be Elvish on a paper towel.

Studio execs looking for a hipper and more urban flavor opted to put Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis in the featured roles, and Eddie Murphy was slated to play the CGI heroin character with the crazy voice.

The film was halted before production began and never released.  We can only speculate on how amazing this film would have been…

Project Redlight chronicles the movies that never made it in Hollywood.  They were discussed and bandied about, but ultimately a decision was made to pass on them.  The suggested movies are presented here with all of the details known at the time of their cancellation.

Technorati Tags: , , ,

How to Win a Staring Contest

December 20th, 2007

If you're in a staring contest, slowly remove your pants.  You'll win every time.

Technorati Tags: , ,


Never Throw Away Old Socks

December 19th, 2007

"An old pair of socks makes a great pair of gloves in the winter.  Don’t bother going to a store and squandering 3 to 4 dollars on a pair of mittens.  Also remember that socks with holes can be used as fingerless gloves."

The Fru-GilDollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil.  Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests.  In a way he's the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.

Technorati Tags: , , ,

  • I’m sorry what did you say?
  • Can you listen to my problems today?
  • Just get to the good stuff.
  • Ron, so you’re attracted to your sister.  Oops wrong file.  My bad.
  • I have to go run an errand. Just talk to my secretary Joyce, she’ll fill me in later.
  • I’ve invited your spouse and parents to this session.
  • We’ll be web-casting your session live, that isn’t a problem is it?

Have any other ideas?  We’d love to hear them.  Just put them in the comments section!

Technorati Tags: , ,

deerMADISON – Local hunter Peter Fritz lost his life Thursday afternoon when he was defeated in a winner-take-all gin rummy game with a local deer named Reginald.

Reginald approached the hunter shortly after 7 A.M. and proposed a challenge.  The challenge was a one round, winner-take-all gin rummy match.  However, the gin rummy game was actually the second challenge proposed. 

According to Reginald, “Peter, that’s his name right?  Yeah.  Peter turned down my original offer, which was a game of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors.’  As you can imagine I’m pretty limited in that game.  I can only throw rock with this hoof.  Apparently, Peter didn’t like his chances.”
After Peter lost, Reginald put on his camouflage gear and reflective vest.  The deer then gingerly picked up Mr. Fritz’s firearm and shot him. 

Reginald tracked Peter through the woods for two miles, but eventually got the kill shot.  

Unfortunately, Reginald had already reached the limit of his hunting license when the media arrived.

Shortly after the interview, another hunter, Glen Carls, who refused to play deer games, shot Reginald.

Reginald should be back from the butcher next week.  He will be consumed as jerky and burgers.

Technorati Tags: , , ,