Characters Final Frame

Kleenex Box Moccasins


January 31st, 2008

"Nothing feels better around the house than a pair of moccasins.  However, you’d be a dummy to pay for this luxury.  If you’re like me and have nasal allergies and other mucus related afflictions, you probably go through your fair share of Kleenex.  Don’t throw away your old boxes!  These little dandies are the perfect fill-ins while lounging around the house.  If you invested in Aloe Kleenex, you’re in for a real treat.  Remember to get the gondola boxes though.  The square boxes gave me claw foot for about a year.  Can you think of any additional uses for Kleenex boxes?"

The Fru-GilDollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil.  Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests.  In a way he's the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.

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Stocked Up

I know what you’re thinking you filth maggots. “Hey Vince, every sales loser in my life has told me not to lie!” Welcome to a new era in selling where accountability is thrown out the window, and ethics have disappeared in the Hudson like Freddie ‘Four Fingers’ Spicoli.

I lie to every prospect I meet and my sales have quadruplified. How does this work? I’ll tell you how it works.

I’m free to say whatever pops into my enormous brain and say anything I think the prospect wants to hear. Can our product increase profits? Of course it does. Will our product cure cancer? You bet your life it will!

It’s a simple philosophy that leads to sales.

I don’t know how much easier I can make it for you monosyllabic numbskulls. Let me put it this way, if salesman couldn’t lie, they wouldn’t sell a thing. That’s not a very good salesman is it?

So, fannie pants, you’re feeling a little queasy about lying to humans? Here are a few tips to help you start lying.

  • Mumbling isn’t technically lying.
  • Put your lies in pamphlets, everyone knows it’s impossible for books to lie.
  • Talk in a funny voice.
  • Bring a knife to your next sales call and you’ll be able to say whatever you want.

So know that you’ve been enlightened, go forth and sell, sell, sell! Are there any ways that you can lie to close your next deal?

Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince’s personal sales playbook called, “Just Buy It: Or I’ll Stab You.”

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Top 6 NFL Players of All Time


January 26th, 2008

Fantasy Sports

Joe Mantegna – After a brief stint in the Godfather, and lending his voice to The Simpsons, Mantegna went on to become one of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation. He won four Fiesta Bowls and his chemistry with Jerry Arborio was unparalleled.

Dick ButtKiss – This animal is nothing like his name. His name probably should have been Dick ButtKick. Anyone? No? Okay. This machine may be best known for his roles in Hang Time, and Webster with Emanuel Lewis. Make no bones about it, this guy was a destroyer.

Tom Brady – Brady was the only joint child of Mike and Carol. He was primarily raised by Alice, and learned football from Sam the butcher. Brady would go on to dominate the sport of football, and step out of the shadows of his older brother Johnny Bravo.

Deacon Jones – The only ordained deacon to play in the NFL was a rugged force to be reckoned with. After serving his community parish, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, Jones began his career by destroying quarterbacks. He followed each sack with a small prayer.

Jerry Arborio – After leaving his Uncle Ben’s field, Arborio went on to greatness in the NFL, and set almost every receiving record known to man. With Joe Mantegna by his side, Arborio was a constant threat. He spent almost twenty years in the league and this San Francisco Treat’s work ethic was unmatched.

James Brown – Ironically playing for the Cleveland Browns, Brown was the most dominant rusher of all time. He began his football career after a string of hit singles, and lit the NFL up. He shockingly announced his retirement after only eight seasons and went on to record Living in America, a song he played the night Apollo Creed tragically passed away.

Am I missing any players?  Let me know, and let the debates begin!

(Editor’s Note: Ricky’s selections have not been verified.  Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.)

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Apple iTunes



Saving Packing Peanuts


January 24th, 2008

“So, you finally got your A-Team salt & pepper shakers in the mail, but what are you going to do with all of those packing peanuts?  I hope you didn’t say throw them away!  Those soft nuggets of Styrofoam gold can be used to stuff any flimsy or old pillows you’ve got lying around the studio apartment/station wagon.  A side warning…  These things are flammable and they’ll bring down your studio apartment in seconds.  Do Not Use with a heat pad, I got burnt pretty bad.”

The Fru-GilDollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil.  Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests.  In a way he’s the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.

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A community against colored people

The town elders chose to ignore the newest member of the community when they found out she was colored.

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Headlines: January 10, 2008


January 10th, 2008

Seagal Settles Lawsuit With Judo Chop
HOLLYWOOD– Steven Seagal promptly settled an outstanding legal dispute with a karate like maneuver that left the plaintiff  motionless on the floor.  The dispute involved allegations of contract breech, Mafia involvement, and physical harm.  The plaintiff’s family have announced that they will be dropping the lawsuit.

Fake Mayor of Fake City Dies

MCDONALDLAND – Tragedy struck McDonaldland yesterday when Mayor McCheese collapsed in his office in what most believe to be a massive heart attack.  McCheese was known to have a high cholesterol a natural result of the grease the ran through his veins.  He leaves behind an identical twin, H. R. Pufnstuf

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Fantasy Sports

The 10 Greatest Single Seasons In Sports

10. Ed Rogers‘ stunning performance in the River Valley Amateur Bowling League.  Rogers amassed an impressive 185 point game average in 30 games, and finished with 12 strikes.  Simply amazing.

9. Mark McGwire‘s performance enhanced smashing of Roger Maris’ singles season home run record.  This feat made Barbie Ruth look like a beer swilling girl.

8. Brian Bosworth‘s rookie season was spectacular.  This Hollywood phenom made his mark on football with an amazing season and and even better haircut.  Thanks for the steps Boz!

6. Sophie Jenkins‘ curling dominance in the 1963 Olympic Winter Games is unparalleled.  The way she “curled” was amazing.  I couldn’t believe that she got the thing that close to the thing.

5. Bill Wennington‘s inspired performance off the bench of the Chicago Bulls was one of legend.  He trailed the team with a 3.5 point scoring average and a negative 3 rebounds a game.  If it wasn’t for a couple of ball hogs, the Bulls could have won a few more titles.

4. Gary Bradshaw‘s season before he broke his leg on Monday Night Football was incredible.  He was obviously on pace to break every standing record, but unfortunately he fell.  I’ll always wonder what could have been.

3. Duke Stevens‘ season with the Detroit Red Wings was known for its brutal fights.  Steven’s played every game that year, but spent only 10 minutes on the ice.  He amassed an unheard of 698 penalties and spent over 3 months in the penalty box.  The record stands to this day.

2. Grandpa Ray‘s performance during the 1986 holiday season was off the hook.  In a two month time period, he had three heart attacks and was outfitted with a colostomy bag.  He returned at Christmas to score the winning touchdown during the annual family tackle football game.  He died that night from a collapsed lung.

1. Michael Jordan had a couple of pretty good years during the eighties.  It’s hard to pinpoint just one, so I won’t.  He was okay, and his season with the Barons definitely stands out in my mind.

(Editor’s Note: Ricky’s selections have not been verified.  Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.  We are also aware that selection number 7 is missing.  Ricky doesn’t know that this number exists.)

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Apple iTunes



Fixing Broken Limbs


January 7th, 2008

Never try to fix a broken limb yourself.  You should leave that to the professionals, or my cousin Larry (he has a library card).

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  • I’m just going to add a little grease to the lens.
  • I want to get a lot of the background in this picture.
  • My camera doesn’t shoot ugly.
  • If you could just rest your arms on the huge “08” over there.
  • Right here.  Right now!
  • I can’t zoom out far enough, your head is humongous.
  • In your case, it looks like the camera added about 50 pounds.

Have any other ideas?  We’d love to hear them.  Just put them in the comments section!

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Wrong Way

After going the wrong way down a one way street, Johnny struggles to avoid embarrassment.

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