Characters Final Frame

BOSTON – “The Rocket” Roger Clemens was recently caught taking steroids and HGH at a press conference he arranged.  The press conference was called to deny allegations that he had used performance enhancing drugs while playing Major League Baseball.  Brian McNamee saved the syringe and plans on donating it to the steroids era exhibit at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

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HOLLYWOOD – Paid programming was renewed for a staggering 27th season yesterday amidst an ongoing writer’s strike that threatens to disrupt the Oscars this year.  Paid programming has a fresh new line of infomercials including juicers and real estate scams in the works. Orange Glow has been lined up for sweeps week.

Headlines: January 10, 2008

January 10th, 2008

Seagal Settles Lawsuit With Judo Chop
HOLLYWOOD– Steven Seagal promptly settled an outstanding legal dispute with a karate like maneuver that left the plaintiff  motionless on the floor.  The dispute involved allegations of contract breech, Mafia involvement, and physical harm.  The plaintiff’s family have announced that they will be dropping the lawsuit.

Fake Mayor of Fake City Dies

MCDONALDLAND – Tragedy struck McDonaldland yesterday when Mayor McCheese collapsed in his office in what most believe to be a massive heart attack.  McCheese was known to have a high cholesterol a natural result of the grease the ran through his veins.  He leaves behind an identical twin, H. R. Pufnstuf

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Headlines: January 1, 2007

January 1st, 2008

US Floods Economy With Monopoly Money To Boost Slumping Dollar.
NEW YORK – The United States Government announced plans to release 6 billion dollars of Monopoly money into circulation.  The move is intended to increase the value of the recently declining dollar.  Rich Uncle Pennybags reportedly sold several hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place in order to free up capital for the release.   After the sale he was hit pretty hard with the luxury tax.  Rich Uncle Pennybags continues to own each of the four major railroads.

Iran Buys Russian Nuke For 100 Easy Payments of $25,000.95
TEHRAN– After an all night bender, that left Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sitting on his couch watching late night infomercials, Ahmadinejad purchased a Russian Nuke from his television. Ahmadinejad, was attracted to the reasonable price, and the money back guarantee.  He also received a free bottle of Orange Cleaner and a Juicer with his purchase.  He was unable to use C.O.D.

Cancer Fires Public Relations Manager

HUMAN BODY – In what many are considering a no-brainer, Cancer has fired it's longtime PR Manager.  The move came after what Cancer described as the "final straw."  The "final straw" was a published report that estimated that Cancer had killed upwards of 7.6 million people in 2007.  The report described the disease as a parasite.  Cancer continues to deny all claims even though he has been presented with several receipts (death certificates).

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Headlines: December 25, 2007

December 25th, 2007

Stock Market Roller Coaster No Longer Fun
NEW YORK – Stock traders at the New York Stock Exchange are now sick of the market roller coaster and want to get off.  Some of the riders are getting sick, due to the constant fluctuations, and the untrained chain-smoking operator refuses to stop the ride because he’s too busy flirting with a horribly unattractive man/woman.  

Tolkien’s Ghost: “Frodo’s Gay!”
LONDON – In a rare public appearance, the ghost of J. R. R. Tolkien, announced that the main character of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Frodo, was indeed gay.  This came to as a shock to no one, and many are accusing Tolkien of trying to bolster struggling sales of the trilogy due to the recent success of the Harry Potter series.

Al Qaida Surprise Party Ends In Disaster

AFGANISTAN – A recent surprise party for Abdul Rahim, ended in tragedy when Rahim shot and killed everyone in attendance.  In a land of suicide bombings and frequent attacks this comes as no surprise.

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deerMADISON – Local hunter Peter Fritz lost his life Thursday afternoon when he was defeated in a winner-take-all gin rummy game with a local deer named Reginald.

Reginald approached the hunter shortly after 7 A.M. and proposed a challenge.  The challenge was a one round, winner-take-all gin rummy match.  However, the gin rummy game was actually the second challenge proposed. 

According to Reginald, “Peter, that’s his name right?  Yeah.  Peter turned down my original offer, which was a game of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors.’  As you can imagine I’m pretty limited in that game.  I can only throw rock with this hoof.  Apparently, Peter didn’t like his chances.”
After Peter lost, Reginald put on his camouflage gear and reflective vest.  The deer then gingerly picked up Mr. Fritz’s firearm and shot him. 

Reginald tracked Peter through the woods for two miles, but eventually got the kill shot.  

Unfortunately, Reginald had already reached the limit of his hunting license when the media arrived.

Shortly after the interview, another hunter, Glen Carls, who refused to play deer games, shot Reginald.

Reginald should be back from the butcher next week.  He will be consumed as jerky and burgers.

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Headlines: December 7, 2007

December 7th, 2007

DeGeneres Gives Adopted Baby to Postal Worker
HOLLYWOOD – Funny lady, Ellen DeGeneres is on the hot seat again.  Two months ago, DeGeneres adopted a six-year-old boy. However DeGeneres soon discovered that the boy simply didn’t get along with the other pets in the house.  DeGeneres then gave the boy to her local mail carrier.  Authorities are now looking into a contract that DeGeneres signed that prevents her from giving away children as presents.

Is Tom Brady the Greatest Human on Earth?
BOSTON – After leading the New England Patriots to an excellent record, and with the hope of squashing records left and right, a recent poll claims that Tom Brady is now the greatest human on earth, dead or alive.  Brady beat out Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Sir Isaac Newton, and Leonardo Da Vinci to claim the top spot.

NASA Recalls Spaceship Because of Lead Paint
NASA HEADQUARTERS – NASA has recalled the space shuttle Discovery due to concerns over lead pant.  Apparently sections of the ship were assembled in China, and were laden with the toxic lacquer.  NASA representative, Dirk Simpson stated in a recent press conference, “My bad.”

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Headlines: November 27, 2007

November 27th, 2007

O.J. Simpson Ordered To Give Felony Charges To Goldman Family
LAS VEGAS – Yesterday, all of O.J. Simpson’s felony charges were transferred to the Goldman family.  According to the fine print of Simpson’s 1997 wrongful death judgment, the Goldman family was to be awarded all of Simpson’s post trial acquisitions, including criminal penalties.  Fred Goldman will be tried for robbery with a deadly weapon and other felonies later this year.

Microsoft Accidentally Lets Lapse
REDMOND – In a major Internet mistake, the Microsoft Corporation inadvertently let the domain name expire.  The domain was accidentally purchased by local entrepenuer Barry Watkins from GoDaddy for $8.95 a year.  Microsoft has offered Watkins 2 million dollars or the company’s surplus of Zune inventory for the domain.  Watkins told reporters that the purchase was an accident.  He had intended to purchase the domain  Watkins is the inventor of the MicroLoft, a portable sleeping accessory.

Work Continues On This Old House
BOSTON – Work has yet to stop on This Old House. The project began in 1979 with a simple drywall repair, and shows no signs of stopping.  Carpenters are now planning to re-restore the portions of the house that were first renovated close to thirty years ago.  This Old House is a three bedroom, 2 and a half bath colonial built in the early 1950’s.

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Headlines: November 9, 2007

November 9th, 2007

Shirley City Council Meeting Crushes World Series
BOSTON – Last week's public access broadcast of the Shirley Massachusetts City Council Meeting beat Major League Baseball's World Series in the ratings.  The viewing audience nearly doubled that of the series.  During the council meeting, John Simons was granted permission to build a small outbuilding along his easement line.

George Lucas Hopes To Decimate Star Wars Legacy
SKYWALKER RANCH – George Lucas has revealed plans to create a live action television series spinoff of his popular Star Wars franchise.  Lucas told reporters that the show would revolve around minor characters in the series.  Lucas announced that, "hopefully this will kill the franchise off once and for all.  I thought the prequels would take care of this, but they did not."

Denny's PBA Spokesman Unrecognizable
NASHVILLE – Denny's Restaurant's recently released commercial features professional bowler Walter Ray Williams Jr.  Unfortunately, 99.97% of all Americans have no idea who Walter Ray Williams Jr. is.  75% of those polled were positive that Williams Jr. sang the Monday Night Football theme song.  When questioned, Denny's Vice President of Marketing told reporters that he, "was shocked.  I thought this was the coup of coups."

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Lincoln MemorialWASHINGTON D.C. –  Walgreens and the United States Government announced plans to bulldoze the Lincoln Memorial in hopes of constructing a new corner location for Walgreens.

The news was a shock to some, but most Americans have accepted that it’s time for a change.

Lawrence Everhart, a local bystander, told reporters, “seriously, the ‘pointy building’ is obnoxious, let’s move into the thirtieth century already!” When reporters told him that the Washington Monument was the “pointy building,” Everhart responded with a cold, “whatever.”

Walgreens president, Jeff Rein, proudly announced that, “Overpriced healthcare products, terrible DVD selections, and awkward clothing options, are here to stay. America needs a drive thru pick up for drugs in its capital!”

The crowd cheered loudly.

Several locals were spotted melting pennies, and burning five spots. Even President Bush got involved by taking a large sack of pennies down to the railroad tracks for fun.

The initiative began when Congress petitioned for a Starbucks in the Capitol Building.

Plans are also underway to destroy the Library of Congress for a new Barnes & Noble store.

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