In Memoriam Lacks Big Name Deaths
LOS ANGELES - The 59th Primetime Emmy Awards’ tribute video to those who have passed since the previous year was unemotional and lacked big name stars. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences plans to assassinate several big name celebrities in time for next year’s broadcast in an attempt to boost ratings.
O. J. Simpsons Opts Not To Wear Gloves
LAS VEGAS - Retired football great and accepted double murderer, O.J. Simpson, decided to rob a Las Vegas Hotel without wearing gloves, due to the hassle they had caused at his last crime scene. Instead, Simpson decided to scream, “I want my stuff… You can’t sell my stuff,” while collecting a handful of memorabilia bearing his name and likeness.
Democrats Get Into Union’s Pockets After Dinner
DETROIT - Democrats were elated to get into the pants of Union representatives after taking the Unions out to Olive Garden, and a second run showing of Wild Hogs. Afterwards, the democrats promised to call the next day. The Unions have yet to hear from them.
Technorati Tags: Emmy Awards, celebrities, Emmys, O.J. Simpson, Democrats
Tromboner Hits Flutist In Face With Instrument
BOSTON- A local trombone player, Edwin Maxwell, nailed flutist, Natalie Fieldman in the face earlier this month during a rehearsal for an orchestral performance of Flight of the Bumble Bee. Fieldman was carted of with a bloody nose, and said it felt like getting punched in the face. Maxwell apologized, and is reportedly paying more attention to where he sticks his trombone.
Special Report: Fire Still Hot
SAN FRANCISCO - Yesterday a group of scientists concluded that fire was indeed, still hot. Professor Altman stated in his conclusion that, "This stuff can seriously mess you up, and all reports of fire cooling off are false."
Grandma Buys Playstation 3; Head Explodes
LINCOLN - Eighty five year old, Agnes Richardson's head exploded earlier this week after purchasing a Playstation 3. Richardson had no previous experience with video game consoles and as a result, the experience blew her mind… literally. Her last words were, "Holy Moses!"
Technorati Tags: Playstation 3, trombone, flutist, Flight of the Bumble Bee
