Fox Announces Beverly Hills 90211
LOS ANGELES - Fox Broadcasting has announced plans to begin shooting Beverly Hills 90211. The show will pick up where Beverly Hills 90210 left off, under the premise that the original cast is headed back to West Beverly High for night classes. Luckily, the entire cast was available for production due to a lack of consistent work.
Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby TP White House Lawn
WASHINGTON D.C. - In what some would consider a schoolyard prank, Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby TP’d the White House Lawn last night. President Bush was said to have been wildly amused. He told reporters that “he was going to get those crazy coots,” and that a revenge prank is now his, “top priority.”
Man Loses Hours Slapping Sumo Belly On Internet Ad
PORTLAND - Local plumber Steve Brady lost hours of his life after he spent the entire afternoon slapping the belly of a sumo wrestler for an online advertisement. Brad finally won the slapping match, only to be presented with an offer to win a free iPod.
Technorati Tags: Beverly Hills 90210, Fox Broadcasting, Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, President Bush, iPod
Third Grade Production of Othello Sucks
HARTFORD - A production of Othello performed by the third graders of Grover Cleveland Grade School sucked according to several unimpressed parents. Bernard Jeffries, complained that his son, "Jacked up the lines."
Oprah Plans To Give Away African Countries
CHICAGO - In this year's episode of Oprah Winfrey's My Favorite Things Show, Oprah plans to give away an African country to each member of the audience. The countries were purchased for very little and will be coupled with some hand lotion in a gift bag from Saks Fifth Avenue.
Next James Bond To Be Asian?
TOKYO - Japan is pulling strongly for the next James Bond to be Asian. They argue that if the British Agent can be blonde, surely he can be Asian. The Japanese site the success of You Only Live Twice in which Sean Connery pretends to be Asian.
Technorati Tags: Othello, Oprah Winfrey, Saks Fifth Avenue, Japan, James Bond, Sean Connery
In Memoriam Lacks Big Name Deaths
LOS ANGELES - The 59th Primetime Emmy Awards’ tribute video to those who have passed since the previous year was unemotional and lacked big name stars. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences plans to assassinate several big name celebrities in time for next year’s broadcast in an attempt to boost ratings.
O. J. Simpsons Opts Not To Wear Gloves
LAS VEGAS - Retired football great and accepted double murderer, O.J. Simpson, decided to rob a Las Vegas Hotel without wearing gloves, due to the hassle they had caused at his last crime scene. Instead, Simpson decided to scream, “I want my stuff… You can’t sell my stuff,” while collecting a handful of memorabilia bearing his name and likeness.
Democrats Get Into Union’s Pockets After Dinner
DETROIT - Democrats were elated to get into the pants of Union representatives after taking the Unions out to Olive Garden, and a second run showing of Wild Hogs. Afterwards, the democrats promised to call the next day. The Unions have yet to hear from them.
Technorati Tags: Emmy Awards, celebrities, Emmys, O.J. Simpson, Democrats
Tromboner Hits Flutist In Face With Instrument
BOSTON- A local trombone player, Edwin Maxwell, nailed flutist, Natalie Fieldman in the face earlier this month during a rehearsal for an orchestral performance of Flight of the Bumble Bee. Fieldman was carted of with a bloody nose, and said it felt like getting punched in the face. Maxwell apologized, and is reportedly paying more attention to where he sticks his trombone.
Special Report: Fire Still Hot
SAN FRANCISCO - Yesterday a group of scientists concluded that fire was indeed, still hot. Professor Altman stated in his conclusion that, "This stuff can seriously mess you up, and all reports of fire cooling off are false."
Grandma Buys Playstation 3; Head Explodes
LINCOLN - Eighty five year old, Agnes Richardson's head exploded earlier this week after purchasing a Playstation 3. Richardson had no previous experience with video game consoles and as a result, the experience blew her mind… literally. Her last words were, "Holy Moses!"
Technorati Tags: Playstation 3, trombone, flutist, Flight of the Bumble Bee
Earlier this morning Al-Qaeda released a rap video to support their new single, “Whazzit With The West?” off of their forthcoming album, “We No Playa Haters.”
The single which chronicles the laundry list of heavenly crimes that westerners commit on a daily basis, including wearing shorts, going bald, and shaving, is getting heavy airplay on Al Jazeera, but has failed to find an audience in the States.
This is Al-Qaeda's first official album, but they are no strangers to the public. They have already had a successful string of promotional videos, and have become very well known for the new fad they've started called “Car Bombing.”
When questioned on their switch to the music industry and their leap into rap, Al-Qaeda's publicist explained “that it's getting harder to reach the public, and we were having trouble with the production quality on our videos. R & B and rap are dominating western markets. Now is the time to get in. We think that people are going to be pleasantly surprised. Osama has a track on the album, and I think audiences are going to be shocked at some his rhymes and beat boxing.”
The video is stark, but it closely resembles the conventions of the western rap video. It's complete with machine guns, bling, and 72 vestal virgins shaking what appears to be their booty. (It's difficult to make out under the masks and heavy robes).
“We No Playa Haters” will be available in clean and explicit versions on iTunes and at standard retailers on August 5th.
Technorati Tags: Al-Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden, iTunes, rap, car bombing
During all of the iPhone commotion, Alan Rogers, was able to select and buy a Microsoft Zune in a matter of seconds.
“There was no line, and absolutely no one looking at it. The shelves were full. I was shocked,” said Rogers.
The Zune was released months ago in a media whirlwind that amounted to nothing. Sales have remained sluggish. It was supposed to be an iPod killer, but instead it has turned out to be an embarrassment.
Rogers arrived at Best Buy expecting lines out the door. He was so concerned about not getting one that he had been camping outside of Best Buy for the last week with a sleeping bag, a cooler, and a huge a bag of games to play with his fellow campers. It was a lonely week. Rogers was under the impression that the Zune was being released on Friday, even though he could have easily walked into Best Buy on Monday, when he started camping, and bought the Zune.
Brent Atwood, Best Buy's Manager, stated that Rogers, “had been there for a week, and he would come in to use the store's bathroom. Every time he did, he walked right past the giant Zune display outside of the men's restroom.”
A Best Buy cashier said that they, “haven't sold one of those things in months. I was surprised someone was buying it… He was so happy too. He even asked me why there wasn't a line, I told him that we weren't carrying the iPhone yet. I had no idea he was talking about the Zune.”
According to Rogers, “I was just happy to be one of the lucky ones to get my hands on one of these bad boys. I can wait to let the guys on the forum know. They'll be so jealous!”
A Man melted into liquid goo today due to the excessive heat in Las Vegas.
During a late afternoon walk Gregory Stanwyck began to melt. His fingertips were the first to go, and soon it was a race against the clock to puddle up as much of him as possible to avoid making a mess.
His wife Kathy said, “it’s the same way with the kids when they get an ice cream cone. They take little licks, and before you know it we’ve got a little Mount Vesuvius on our hands and the backseat of the car is a disaster.”
Luckily, Stanwyck’s wife Kathy was able to collect most of him and put him into a casino token bucket.
They are currently waiting for Greg to re-solidify in the hotel freezer, after which they will decide whether to top him with hot caramel or strawberry syrup.
“My vote is for strawberry,” said the Stanwyck’s four-year-old daughter Madeline, while Susan, the couple’s six-year-old daughter, is pulling for caramel.
According to Kathy, “this has really put a damper on the vacation, but I’m sure the kids will enjoy it. At least we won’t have as much stuff to bring home with us. It could be worse!”
Technorati Tags: Las Vegas, casino, ice cream, summer vacation
Three men were arrested earlier this morning for running a Backstreet Boys website.
Federal authorities have known about the site for some time, but were waiting to make an arrest until all of the defendants could be identified.
One of the webmasters, known to his camp as iHeartBSB, was caught posting what authorities are calling a “news update on Brian Littrell.”
“It was a turkey chase, but we finally got ‘em. It can get pretty tricky now. What with all their handles, avatars, and God knows what else they use to hide their identity,” said Lt. Roger Cosby.
Two of the names were not released, but authorities have revealed that one of the posters was none other than Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.
Authorities were under the impression that they had wiped out the remaining cell of Backstreet Boys, but were surprised to find one leading this “Official” underground ring.
The FBI can only estimate how many other sites like these exist, but according to Lt. Cosby, the authorities plan on “hunting these sick and disturbed individuals out of hiding and expose them for who they are. Hopefully, this will ensure the safety of American ears.”
Messages left at Nick Carter’s neighbor’s house were not returned.
Technorati Tags: Backstreet Boys, Nick Carter, Brian Littrell
The first pictures of the rumored Albino Al Gore have emerged. His existence has been rumored for years, and has been highly researched by cryptozooligists. Most scientists believe this photo to be a forgery, while others say that this thing is getting out of hand.
It is estimated that several highly vocal celebrities will band together and speak out in support of the photo and the effects it's currently having on today's society and the possible future implications it could have. Very few will listen.
Even if this mythical beast does or does not exist what is the next step? Very few are willing to speculate or provide a reasonable course of action. Those that believe the photo is genuine have bandied about throwing a gigantic concert. What is this Live Aid?
Just as fast as this picture was taken, the Albino Al Gore supposedly disappeared into a thicket of weeds. He supposedly re-emerged later that very day to sort out some legal issues and pick up an absentee ballot.
Is he real or just a piece of Photoshop magic?
Technorati Tags: Al Gore, Al Gore's son, Live Aid, Global Warming, Photoshop
WASHINGTON - President Bush on Tuesday announced the creation of a brand new special task force to fight drugs, racial intolerance, and generally kick ass.
“After much thought, I think this is gonna be pretty cool,” Bush said at a press conference in which he announced John Rambo, Mr. T, and Walker Texas Ranger would be leading his new vigilante group, called "The Action Friends."
When the press questioned the selection of two fictional characters, President Bush simply responded by saying. “It’s pretty Bad Ass huh?”
Colonel Trautman expressed his pride for John Rambo, who was unable to attend due to AWOL activity, by saying he “Was glad that John could pull his life together. It’s been a long time since that vagrancy arrest.”
Mr. T was on hand for the press conference and was a bit peeved that his fellow leaders were unable to attend. He looked depressed under his gold chains, but after giving a shout out to Gary Coleman, “T” announced plans to open a chain of themed restaurants with his new comrades called, “Planet Forgotten Action Star.”
The restaurant will apparently feature memorabilia from the three semi-stars as well as collectibles from Dolph Lungren and “Hercules” Kevin Sorbo.
The Task Force’s first order of duty is to infiltrate the White House and watch Suburban Commando with the President.
Walker Texas Ranger was unable to attend the press conference because he is currently appearing in early morning re-runs.
Technorati Tags: George W. Bush, President Bush, White House, Rambo, Walker Texas Ranger, Mr. T, Suburban Commando
