Never try to fix a broken limb yourself.  You should leave that to the professionals, or my cousin Larry (he has a library card).

Technorati Tags: comedy, advice,

If you're in a staring contest, slowly remove your pants.  You'll win every time.

Technorati Tags: comedy, advice, humor

If you end up carrying a dead body around for several days, it will never be as funny as "Weekend at Bernie's," and it will probably lead to an arrest.

Technorati Tags: comedy, advice,

If someone asks you to play a game of "Hide In the Burlap Sack," don't.

Technorati Tags: comedy, burlap sack,

People with firm handshakes are usually hiding massive insecurities, just like bus drivers!

Technorati Tags: handshake, bus drivers

Even though movies glorify running while engulfed in flames, you should really stop, drop, and roll.  But try  to drop near a hill so you can roll down it and have a little fun.

Technorati Tags: stop drop roll, fire

If you ever plan on mailing yourself somewhere, bring a mason jar.

Technorati Tags: mail, mason jar

Yanking a tooth out with a string attached to a doorknob never works when you pull the door towards you. 

Technorati Tags: tooth, doorknobs