I was going to write about the forgotten stars of LaCrosse, but have there ever been any stars of lacrosse? I don’t know. A reader suggested this title to me, and quite frankly I can’t think of any forgotten lacrosse stars. I know there was Duncan Feebles, but I wouldn’t really classify him as a star, a dynamo, but not a star. Besides everyone still remembers him. So I’ve decided to list my top 3 American Gladiators of all time…
Thunder Thighs – Thunder Thighs looked like a man, but I’m fairly positive she was a woman. She looked amazing and her face looked like it was literally chiseled from stone. Her greatest asset? You guessed it. Her thighs. Described on the telecasts as portable tree trunks. Her legs provided a very solid base to work from. She was excluded from aerial games, but was quite dominant in Powerball.
Magic Wand – Magic Wand was one of the biggest gladiators on the show, and he was cut. He had muscles everywhere. He barely looked human due to the fact that his steroid enhanced shoulders covered most of his shoulders. He had an inability to raise his hands above his head, but that didn’t stop him from excelling at the Joust. I have no idea why they called him Magic Wand.
Lard – Lard was the fattest Gladiator on the show, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t agile. In fact I daresay he could have been one of the fastest Gladiators in competition. He was unstoppable whenever he got his body moving. Due to his excess mass, he had the ability to pummel competitors into submission without using appendages. How he did it, I’ll never know. He excelled on the Rings. Once he swung… Watch out!
Who was your favorite American Gladiator and why?
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
Joe Mantegna – After a brief stint in the Godfather, and lending his voice to The Simpsons, Mantegna went on to become one of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation. He won four Fiesta Bowls and his chemistry with Jerry Arborio was unparalleled.
Dick ButtKiss – This animal is nothing like his name. His name probably should have been Dick ButtKick. Anyone? No? Okay. This machine may be best known for his roles in Hang Time, and Webster with Emanuel Lewis. Make no bones about it this guy was a destroyer.
Tom Brady – Brady was the only joint child of Mike and Carol. He was primarily raised by Alice, and learned football from Sam the butcher. Brady would go on to dominate the sport of football, and step out of the shadows of his older brother Johnny Bravo.
Deacon Jones – The only ordained deacon to play in the NFL was a rugged force to be reckoned with. After serving his community parish, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, Jones began his career by destroying quarterbacks. He followed each sack with a small prayer.
Jerry Arborio – After leaving his Uncle Ben’s field, Arborio went on to greatness in the NFL, and set almost every receiving record known to man. With Joe Mantegna by his side, Arborio was a constant threat. He spent almost twenty years in the league and his work ethic was unmatched.
James Brown – Ironically playing for the Cleveland Browns, Brown was the most dominant rusher of all time. He began his football career after a string of hit singles, and lit the NFL up. He shockingly announced his retirement after only eight seasons and went on to record Living in America, a song he played the night Apollo Creed tragically passed away.
Am I missing any players? Let me know, and let the debates begin!
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
The 10 Greatest Single Seasons In Sports
10. Ed Rogers' stunning performance in the River Valley Amateur Bowling League. Rogers amassed an impressive 185 point game average in 30 games, and finished with 12 strikes. Simply amazing.
9. Mark McGwire's performance enhanced smashing of Roger Maris' singles season home run record. This feat made Barbie Ruth look like a beer swilling girl.
8. Brian Bosworth's rookie season was spectacular. This Hollywood styled phenom made his mark on football with an amazing season and and even better haircut. Thanks for the steps Boz!
6. Sophie Jenkins' curling dominance in the 1963 Olympic Winter Games is unparalleled. The way she "curled" was amazing. I couldn't believe that she got the thing that close to the thing.
5. Bill Wennington's inspired performance off the bench of the Chicago Bulls was one of legend. He trailed the team with a 3.5 point scoring average and a negative 3 rebounds a game. If it wasn't for a couple of ball hogs, the Bulls could have won a few more titles.
4. Gary Bradshaw's season before he broke his leg on Monday Night Football was incredible. He was obviously on pace to break every standing record, but unfortunately he fell. I'll always wonder what could have been.
3. Duke Stevens' season with the Detroit Red Wings was known for its brutal fights. Steven's played every game that year, but spent only 10 minutes on the ice. He amassed an unheard of 698 penalties and spent over 3 months in the penalty box. The record stands to this day.
2. Grandpa Ray's performance during the 1986 holiday season was off the hook. In a two month time period, he had three heart attacks and was outfitted with a colostomy bag. He returned at Christmas to score the winning touchdown during the annual family tackle football game. He died that night from a collapsed lung.
1. Michael Jordan had a couple of pretty good years during the eighties. It's hard to pinpoint just one, so I won't. He was okay, and his season with the Barons definitely stands out in my mind.
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports. We are also aware that selection number 7 is missing. Ricky doesn't know that this number exists.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
With several fantasy sports kicking into high gear. I though I'd give you several solid lock picks. All of these picks have been heavily scouted, and are guaranteed to succeed. This time, I'll be covering the NFL, NBA, and NHL for you fantasy fanatics.
National Football League
1. Ben Cheeseburger - QB: He's having a great year, no bones about it. After last year's bout with indigestion and his crotch rocket accident, he has emerged as a star.
2. Dicky Williams - RB: This running back recently made his return to professional football, and I couldn't be happier. Pick this guy up if he hasn't been taken. Just be aware that he's been recently sidelined with the munchies.
National Basketball Association
1. Shaquilles Heel - C: – This big man has been lackluster recently, but I expect big things from him. This 10 foot giant still has it, and the Orlando Magic should be happy they've got him. You'll be happy if you have him too.
2. Kevin Nash - PG: – This is one of the biggest point guards I've ever seen. At 7 feet tall, the Phoenix Suns lucked out when they picked this guy up. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy ran on diesel fuel.
National Hockey League
1. Patrick Wa - G:– If you need a second goalie in your league, pick this guy up. A hall of fame player like this doesn't come along to often. Just don't embarrass yourself in league circles, because for some reason people often pronounce his last name as "Roy," even though it's clearly "Wa."
Thanks for checking out my picks, now go forth and prosper.
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports. Please do not make any wagers with these picks.)
Technorati Tags: fantasy sports, satire, comedy, humor,
Apollo Creed had recently retired from professional boxing when he was lured out of retirement to fight Ivan Drago. It was a fight he never should have accepted.
After spending months sidelined cooking stew and partying with Jesse Venture and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Creed was barely in fighting shape when he took up the challenge. But it was his love if the United States, flashy spectacles, James Brown, and oversized hats that brought him out of retirement.
The fight would take place in 1985 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, and it was heavily hyped. The media was on fire. This showdown shared so many similarities with the ensuing Cold War. Which side would win?
Well, in the first battle a cocky and flamboyant Apollo Creed was crushed to death by a barrage of punches thrown by the Soviet in the second round.
It wasn’t Creed’s best bout. He seemed sluggish and over-confident. And outside of a slight offensive in the second round, Apollo was obliterated. His lackluster performance was also capped off by his death.
It was a crushing end to a spectacular career. Unfortunately, the always-talkative Creed was left speechless.
The media paid little attention to the death, and instead put all of their focus on Rocky Balboa. Balboa was planning to fight Drago in Moscow later that year, a bout he would eventually win.
A small charity was set up for Creed’s wife after Apollo’s death. Creed had spent most of his previous winnings on his lavish introduction at the MGM Grand.
With several fantasy sports kicking into high gear. I though I'd give you several solid lock picks. All of these picks have been heavily scouted, and are guaranteed to succeed. This time, I'll be covering the NFL, NBA, and NHL for you fantasy fanatics.
National Football League
1. Larry Johnson - RB: After an excellent year on the Charlotte Hornets, this guy is ready for a breakout this season. He recently signed a huge Converse shoe deal, so he's got plenty to play for.
2. Byron Sandwich - QB: Even though this guy recently had surgery, I think he's a viable player. Seriously, the Atlanta Falcons are definitely lacking in this core position. Pick him up.
3. Kevin Esther - WR: This guy is simply amazing. The only other person the Chicago Bulls could have drafted would have been the road runner.
National Basketball Association
1. Colby Brian - SG: – He's great. Class act all the way around. Bonus: You should be able to pick him up on the cheap.
2. Bill Walton - C: – The center position has become deluded. I expect Walton to emerge a star. Especially after completing his hit show, The Waltons, in which a farm family grows up during the great war.
National Hockey League
1. Brian Leech - D:– This is a dicey pick, but I think he'll pan out. I know he's known for Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous, but I think he has a couple good years left in him. Take a chance. The Raiders did.
Thanks for checking out my picks, now go forth and prosper.
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports. Please do not make any wagers with these picks.)
Technorati Tags: fantasy sports, satire, comedy, humor,
The year was 1990, and NASCAR was at one of its all time lows. That is, until Tom Cruise came waltzing out of Hollywood to challenge for the top prize in the world’s semi-fastest sport.
It was during this hiatus from Mission Impossible when Cruise learned that ‘rubbing is racing.’
Cruise trained intensely for the race by competing in small town circuits with low budget sponsors. Harry Hogge, a grizzled veteran of NASCAR, mentored Cruise and remained his crew chief throughout his NASCAR run.
After rising in the polls, Cruise was briefly suspended from the sport after an altercation with Rowdy Burns. Ultimately though, it was Burns’ car that Cruise used in the 500.
Known for its treacherous turn four, Cruise dominated the Daytona Speedway. He won by a hair after a last second move sent his stock car screaming past Russ Wheeler’s Hardees car for the victory.
Wheeler finished second even after his driving coach had warned Wheeler, “to be careful. He might try to slingshot past ya Russ!”
Cruise spent the evening celebrating with his new wife Dr. Claire Lewicki.
Well, we’re almost midway through the football season. So, I thought I’d give you fans a fantasy football update. Let’s take it position by position. I’ll give you my sleepers and picks to click. Keep in mind that these players ARE available in most leagues.
Quarterbacks
1. Dan Marino – With Vinny Testeverde making his triumphant return, I expect Dan-O to return soon, very soon. Especially with head tackling machine Trent Green now out in Miami.
2. Ryan Hutchins – Technically, he’s not in the league yet, but with most teams firing through quarterbacks like Mike Tyson through ears, this high school senior could shake things up. He’s leading St. Mary’s Boys School with 350 yards, 2 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, and 23.7% completion rate after five games.
Running Backs
1. Thurman Thomas – With a slew of teams in desperate need of a running back, this recent Hall of Famer could make a huge impact on any team he touches.
2. Eddy Jenkins – Eddy is Tampa Bay’s 7th string running back, cut from the practice squad. He may be getting the call up very shortly. If he does, have your finger on the buy button.
Wide Recievers
1. Carlton Fisk – An excellent catcher if you’re in a bye week pinch!
2. John Henry – After serving an eight-week suspension, this highlight reel should be ready to make a splash in the Bengals lineup.
Tight Ends
1. Anthony Gondola – This tight end is having an amazing year and even broke the all-time tight end touchdown record recently for the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s under the radar, but still an excellent pick.
2. Antonio Fences – Even with wild fires burning through San Diego, this tight end has been a go-to-guy for the Chargers, even if he is buried on the depth chart.
Kickers
1. Rob Bironas – Seriously, this guy kicked (and made) eight field goals in one day. I can’t even drink that many glasses of water a day. Pick him up.
2. Martin Grammerica – He’s short, but powerful. Just wait for a team to have trouble dinging it through the uprights, and he’ll be starting in no time.
Defenses
1. Houston Oilers – Even though they lost in a nail biter last week, I think they are a solid buy. And with Warren Moon at the helm, how can you go wrong?
Thanks for checking out my picks, now go forth and prosper.
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports. Please do not make any wagers with these picks.)
Technorati Tags: fantasy sports, satire, comedy, humor, Dan Marino
After his incarceration, due to an altercation with Superman, Lex Luthor was released in 1951 will no job, no henchman, and no money.Technorati Tags: Lex Luthor, Superman, Daily Planet, Hoosiers,
In the year 1975, Samwise Gamgee made the Fighting Irish football squad. He was a walk on player, and only suited up for a single game.Technorati Tags: Samwise Gamgee, Notre Dame, Lou Hotlz, Mordor, Frodo Baggins, Rivendell
