Characters Final Frame

Cut Your Own Meat

November 15th, 2005

| Fake Diaries

SteakWell, it happened.  Mom and Dad have finally forced me to move out.  Yeah, I know, maybe I’m a little bit too old to be doing this, but I think what they're doing is ridiculous.  

Apparently, my dad thinks I’m cramping their relationship.  Well, I told him I could sleep on the outside of the bed and he could have the middle.  It’s just a mess.  They’ve even threatened to take the car seat out.  I mean that’s just rude.  But that just feeds into another complaint that, “they can’t be driving me a round everywhere.”   

I’m pretty sure my parents know this, but money doesn’t make itself.  Then he says to me, “Doug, I think we’re going to have to start getting basic cable.”  And I said.


Three hours later he scooped my fetal body off the floor and rocked me to sleep.  I guess I feel a little under appreciated.  I put those railings on the bed for their protection.  I know how easy it is for old people to bust a hip, I should say shatter a hip.  

Just think of all the things I do around the house:  I eat, I sleep, I watch tv, I go to the bathroom.   I even flush the toilet.  What am I? A triathlete?  I don’t think so.  Yes, sometimes we fight about dresser space, but still doesn’t everyone?  

I mean, how difficult is it really for my arthritic mother to cut up my steak before I eat it?  She even complains about the hot dogs, and that’s soft meat.  I just don’t get it.  After all my years of service they’re letting me go.  Well, I don’t think so.  I don’t want to be an accomplice to their failing marriage.  We’re a family, and families stick together.  

That’s why I checked us all into an assisted living center.  That way, we can stay together and we have some nice lady to cut my meals for me.  Oh, and get this, we don’t even have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom anymore.  They gave us three of these buckets.   Sweet.  Yep, everything turned out for the best.  And we’re all living the high life.

(Since the writing of this statement, my parents have since divorced.  I. on the other hand continue to live assisted and I couldn’t be happier.)

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