Characters Final Frame

Hey, Shut It!


November 18th, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Dog MaskI went on a date last night.  A blind date really.  And although she wasn’t blind she did have a wooden leg.  I think it was pine and it looked beautiful.  The craftsmanship was top notch, and not only was it varnished, it had a clear coat of polyurethane on it.  

She let me touch it, and I made a joke about how smooth it was.  “I bet you don’t have to shave this much!,” I said.  She seemed to like the joke, but then went into this really boring story about this time that she got it wet and it warped.  Apparently, it got water logged and turned into the consistency of a wet graham cracker.  

Everything was going great, and then I started to ask her some questions, “What size shoe do you wear?” “14 Wide,” she replied.   She wasn’t lying.  When my friend Donald set us up he told me she was, “a bit toned.”  It turned out that I had misunderstood Donald.  She was toned, but there seemed to be a lot of extra toning, as Donald clearly meant “big boned.”  I’m not going to explain my confusion when I thought he said, “She’s missing her bag.”  As a goodwill gesture I even went to the police station to see if someone had turned in my future date’s bag.

I left empty handed.  

I then asked her to tell me a little bit about herself.  And she did.  She wouldn’t shut up.  I this, and I that.  She just kept talking about the most trivial things, like her family.  My dad did this, and blah blah blah blah.  I mean seriously,  I didn’t want her whole life story.   She went into this whole spiel about her name, and where she works, where she grew up, and what her hobbies were.  

It was boring, and I think I fell asleep sometime between, “well, my name is,” and “I had a really good time tonight.”  Outside of the leg everything was a blur.   

Seriously though, the conversation did stop dead in it’s tracks when I asked her why people call her the “Capt. Sparrow.”  To the lady I went out with last night.  I apologize.  

She really beat me good with that leg though.  Next week I get the cotton out of my ears!  Anyway, that’s the last blind date I go on.  At least until my hearing comes back and I stopppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp…………. blacking out.  I’m not going to let one bad date spoil my fun.

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