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Nice Buckle

November 22nd, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Test DummyI recently joined a nonprofit organization called Belts Across America, BAA.  The B Double A, was started by a group of trendy individuals that wanted to make seat belts more enjoyable.  

The group formed after the for profit group lost a boatload of money selling belts to prison inmates, who failed to use them properly.   Who would have thought that the official barter program to encourage prisoners to stop smoking would have ended more lives than it saved?  Actually, I don’t think it saved anyone's life, but it did make Fred in cell block 7’s stay in the clink more comfortable when his pants were properly adjusted.

After the “Buckle Up and Stop Smoking” initiative failed, Ted and Barry Stroman started BAA.  I became involved in the organization a couple of weeks ago when I was kicked off my bowling team.  I guess they wanted someone with a little less flair and a little higher score.  That’s fine, Jerry was a stiff jerk.  “Wife starch the shirt a little too much Jerry!”  Ha Ha… I miss them.

Since I’ve been involved, I’ve helped in the marketing of seat belts.  You know, making them more stylish to wear, in order to increase compliance.  The group had stopped its research for some time after they tried the automatic seat belt.  It was a critical failure.  

Many of the owners were even lazier than they expected and couldn’t take the time to buckle the waist strap.  15% of automatic seat belt owners lost their voices from violently cursing at the mechanism.  The remaining 45% owners choked to death.  It was a huge scandal that was brought to the national arena with the NY Times article, “Black Mazda Lynches White Man:  Payback Sucks!”  

I was brought in to liven up safety belts.  Here’s what I’ve come up with.  A napkin belt, for eaters on the go.  It was rejected.  It made the cars smell like ketchup and even though Bounty said they had “new” stronger paper towels, they couldn’t support a human body.  

Another idea of mine was to make a giant car seat for adults.  I contacted Greco, but we ran into a little snag when we realized that if a guy had to put his wife in an enlarged car seat, he wouldn’t be able to buckle himself in.  It was a vicious cycle with no conclusion.  

Another idea I had was to install roller coaster style restraints into cars.  Due to the increased amount of whiplash it was canceled.  Although I know a lot of people were making good money taking pictures of people while they were driving, and selling them when they got out of the car.  Sometimes people looked scared and others would put their hands in the air to show how brave they were.  Car accidents in the month of November have increased ten fold.

Anyway, I wanted to give you heads up about some of the new seat belts you can expect shortly.  I’m still testing the bathroom belt, but hopefully it will be ready for the holidays.  Now, off for more research!

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