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PETA Debate


October 31st, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Fat Kid With a SlingshotWhile my affiliation to such animal rights groups stays in limbo, I write with a heavy heart.  By limbo I mean, refusal to join PETA or any other animal rights group. 

Both animal rights and animal cruelty groups were both making wonderful offers for me to join this past week, making my decision difficult. 

The animal rights group was shoving soy burgers and crappy frozen dinners at me.  Meanwhile, the Animal haters were logically explaining the rules of evolution while calmly pointing a 12 gauge shotgun at me. 

Both groups were pitching convincing offers.  I felt wanted and beautiful.  In the midst of this internal debate, I drove down the beltline.  The beltline is the term used for the main highway that runs through Madison. 

While driving, I spotted a white Corsica, circa 1988.  Perched atop the small luggage rack, which could probably accommodate a small piece of carry on luggage at most, was a large oversized male deer.  The deer looked happy despite the fact that it had been field dressed and was sitting atop an old Corsica. 

What the driver of the vehicle failed to realize was that his prize catch was bleeding profusely and blood proceeded to drip down the back of the white car.  It was unsettling, especially when I looked to my left and found the driver next to me frantically running his windshield wipers. 

Well, this threw one hell of a monkey wrench into this quagmire.  On one hand I love sports and meat, and on the other hand I love cute dogs and Paul McCartney.  So after hours of analysis I have come to a conclusion. 

I will be a moderate. 

Do I think animals should have rights?  No, they cannot read.  Do I think that we should kill puppies? Hell no!  (Unless for some reason they got extremely annoying)  Do I want to continue eating meat?  Why, of course, I love the Outback Steak House.  Will I eat dog?  No.  (Unless the Chinese restaurant I frequent puts it in the moo goo gai pork without my knowledge)  Will I search out animals to hit with my car? Also, a no.  Will I shoot a giant squid that threatens to eat my eggo waffle?  Yes, but not before asking him to leggo. 

These are the guidelines I’ve set up for myself, to appease both sides.  This way I can connect with everyone, except for PETA members and gun lovers, but pretty much everyone in between. 

So, if you’ll excuse me I have a hamburger to eat while I pet a stray dog.  Does anyone have any rabies spray?   What do you mean they don’t make it?  I'm drooling?  Aw Shoot.

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2 Responses to “PETA Debate”

  1. Ryan M. Theodore Logan Ziegler, Esq. Says:

    I must not have been paying attention in science class when the part of evolution where slack-jawed rednecks blast away at unsuspecting animals was explained.

    You should see that Corsica driver’s face when I pass him on the street with his beloved wife atop MY car. Hey, pants-suited WASP soccer moms are overpopulated, too.

    “From my point of view, it is the Jedi who are evil!”

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