Characters Final Frame

Telemarketing Love


December 13th, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Telephone SignI recently started to date a tele marketer.  She’s pretty nice, but I don’t know how long we’ll be together.  We met on the phone when she called to sell me a mattress.  I bought five and she sold me her heart.  It was magical, but she has some good qualities and some bad ones. 

For example, one problem is her voice.  She sounds like a robot.  Her voice is completely monotone, and on several occasions I have misinterpreted it as a prerecorded message.

The other day we were talking on the phone, and I accidentally tripped over the phone.  We were disconnected, but she didn’t get mad.  I’ve since found out that she never gets mad when you hang up on her.  I know this because in one day I hung up on her some seventy three times.  It’s amazing.  Sometimes, I’ll just hang up because I don’t feel like talking anymore.  She’ll be in some big story, and goodbye, I’m off the phone.  I love it.

On the negative side, she can never say my name right.   It’s as if she’s from a foreign country and is just learning the language.  My name really isn’t that complicated, but in three weeks I’ve heard approximately forty-six different variations.  Some of the pronunciations have added letters, and sometimes letters are either silent or missing.  I bought her a couple books on english phonetics, but I don’t think it’s helping.  While saying my name, I should never be able to hear the word “glob,” no matter how thick an accent might be.

Another annoying habit happens when we talk in person.  She always pauses before she speaks.  I can look her directly in the face , when she is alert and attentive, and I say “hello” three times before she responds.  It’s embarrassing at restaurants when the waiter takes our order.  He’ll say, “and for you ma'am?”  And she stares directly at him for like thirty two seconds, and then as if there wasn’t a huge awkward pause she answers.  It’s almost unbearable.

Her verbiage really bothers me too.  She won’t just ask if I want to make out.  Normally, she’ll say something like, “Are you ready for an exciting offer?  When was the last time that a woman touched your lips?  Well, do I have something for you.  If I could offer you thirty minutes of complete romance, would you be interested?”  It’s like that with everything.  I’m not even going to go into how it sounds at the grocery store.  She sounds like she’s reading a sales script.

I guess there’s more negative here than positive, but she's willing to do anything to make this work.  I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll sleep on it, in my new sleep number beds.

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