Characters Final Frame

The Heart Springs


November 17th, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Chest ExpanderYesterday I bought a little something to help me get in shape.  All is going well so far and I feel invigorated.  I never thought it was possible, but I feel rested and rejuvenated.  I feel like I could go on for hours…..

(Several Hours Later and After a Long Nap)

Anyway, this new “thing” I got is pretty amazing.  I love it.  I bought if from this Asian man with tattoos.  He owned a shop that sold pretty much anything, but they must have had a pretty loose return policy because everything looked like it was three to forty years old and possibly stepped on.  I found him in the Yellow Pages, while looking for someone that would share my love of chess.  I found the Pawn Shop.  Surprisingly, chess never came up, but three guys were rigorously discussing NASCAR.  

I found it in the “Air-O-Bicks” (their spelling, not mine) section.  It was under a couple sweaty jocks and a sweatband.  I think there was some Tenactin in there too.  

Before I found it though, I examined the Thigh Master that was lying next to it.  I tried it out, but after it railed me pretty hard in my "area", I put it back.  

Then I picked up the machine that would change my life.  It was two handles held together by a set of three long springs.  As you can imagine, I was confused at first.  How do I use it?  What is this?  Does it come in other colors, besides brown?  When did we develop the technology to make such a sophisticated machine?  I was at a loss.

I tried several methods of use, and I think one of them gave me tetanus.  Anyway, when I finally learned how it worked, I didn’t stop.  I loved it.

A short time later, the Asian owner told me that I was using it wrong and that, “at no time should that handle be in any part of the body.”  It was a logical conclusion, and had I known about it earlier, I probably wouldn’t be on antibiotics now.  

After he showed me the correct use,  I again loved it.  I couldn’t stop.  In one day my arms are starting to rip my shirts.  Kidding, but they are getting pretty big (imagine two golf balls placed atop one another).  

I’m excited about life, and I think I’m ready for love.  I just hope that the patches of missing arm hair this device has created won’t scare girls away.  I think of those patches as windows to my heart.

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