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Ticketed Going 88 MPH


December 7th, 2005

| Fake Diaries

Police CarEveryone hates getting pulled over, especially criminals with outstanding warrants.  I was pulled over earlier today for the first time, and I don’t think I handled it too good.  I had to go to the  station for a couple of hours.   

I thought I’d learned how to handle cops through the years of stories I had heard, and that I was pretty much an expert in the subject.  I was under the assumption that most people being stopped get away with a warning or a simple fine, and that most traffics stops DO NOT involve extensive amounts of jail time like my new experience leads me to believe.  I also incorrectly assumed that the only blowing would occur on the outside of my cell.  How wrong I was.

As it turns out, I was driving down the highway, and seemed to be speeding.  I didn't mean to be speeding, but it happened.  While accelerating, my shoelace got caught.  I couldn’t pull my foot off the gas pedal.  The resulting situation closely emulated a sequence from the motion picture Footloose, in which Kevin Bacon’s foot gets caught on the tractor during a game of chicken.  It was at this exact moment that I was clocked going approximately 88 MPH.  Surprisingly, my car did not go to the year 1985 as the documentary, Back to the Future, hypothesized.

I finally was able to get my foot off of the pedal and decelerate, just in time to see what I thought was lightning in my rear view mirror.  The lightning struck me as wierd, seeing as it was about three o’clock in the afternoon and the sun was shining.  Realizing that it wasn’t lighting, when I saw the red light, I sped up.  For some reason this was interpreted as a “High Speed” chase.  I was actually relieved when I saw the cop in my mirror because I thought I was going to be safe.

I pulled over right before I hit the blockade.  Apparently, the cops set that up because I was, “fleeing.”  Whatever.

When the cop came up to my window, I tried to think of the ways my friends have managed to get out of tickets.  I immediately pleaded ignorance, and said that I had no idea how fast I was going.  I knew exactly how fast I was going, but I couldn’t tell him that once I got up to 88 MPH, that I wanted to see if time travel was possible.  The ignorance didn’t seem to work, so I went to plan B.

I started to cry.

Weeping really.  I started wailing, and it did nothing.  Actually the cop called me a girl and went to go check on something in his car.  After he left, I realized that he wasn’t talking about my crying, but rather the flame design seat belt I was wearing.  I was testing it!  Anyway, I knew he would never notice my tears passed that seat belt.  I had to pull out the big guns, plan C.

I know several people, who in addition to the water works, add a little skin.  I thought, “what the heck?”  The officer came back to the car and I began to hike up my pants.  They were corduroy, so it was kind of tough.  It took about twenty minutes for me to jimmy them up.  After that he got pretty annoyed, and I decided to come clean.  I told him the story about Footloose, Back To The Future, and all three plans.  He thought I had been drinking and pulled me out for a field sobriety test.  First, I blew for him, and then I walked the line.  You guessed it, my winter fresh gum put me over the limit, and it got real windy when I started walking.

Anyway, long story longer, I was taken to the station where I met LeRoy.  We cuddled.  

It was rough, but I’m out now.  I can’t drive, but I’m out, and that’s not half bad.  I’m due back in court next Friday, I have three hundred hours of community service, and the bribing an officer charge is still pending.  All and all, it could be worse, I could have had a tail light out.

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