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Lincoln MemorialWASHINGTON D.C. –  Walgreens and the United States Government announced plans to bulldoze the Lincoln Memorial in hopes of constructing a new corner location for Walgreens.

The news was a shock to some, but most Americans have accepted that it’s time for a change.

Lawrence Everhart, a local bystander, told reporters, “seriously, the ‘pointy building’ is obnoxious, let’s move into the thirtieth century already!” When reporters told him that the Washington Monument was the “pointy building,” Everhart responded with a cold, “whatever.”

Walgreens president, Jeff Rein, proudly announced that, “Overpriced healthcare products, terrible DVD selections, and awkward clothing options, are here to stay. America needs a drive thru pick up for drugs in its capital!”

The crowd cheered loudly.

Several locals were spotted melting pennies, and burning five spots. Even President Bush got involved by taking a large sack of pennies down to the railroad tracks for fun.

The initiative began when Congress petitioned for a Starbucks in the Capitol Building.

Plans are also underway to destroy the Library of Congress for a new Barnes & Noble store.

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