I know what you’re thinking you filth maggots. “Hey Vince, every sales loser in my life has told me not to lie!” Welcome to a new era in selling where accountability is thrown out the window, and ethics have disappeared in the Hudson like Freddie ‘Four Fingers’ Spicoli.
I lie to every prospect I meet and my sales have quadruplified. How does this work? I’ll tell you how it works.
I’m free to say whatever pops into my enormous brain and say anything I think the prospect wants to hear. Can this product increase profits? Of course it does. Will this product cure cancer? You bet your life it will!
It’s a simple philosophy that leads to sales.
I don’t know how much easier I can make it for you monosyllabic numbskulls. Let me put it this way, if salesman couldn’t lie they wouldn’t sell a thing. That’s not a very good salesman is it?
So, fannie pants you’re feeling a little queasy about lying to humans? Here are a few tips to help you start lying.
- Mumbling isn’t technically lying.
- Put your lies in pamphlets, everyone knows it’s impossible for a book to lie.
- Talk in a funny voice.
- Bring a knife to your next sales call and you’ll be able to say whatever you want and you’ll close the deal.
So know that you’ve been enlightened, go forth and sell, sell, sell! Are there any ways that you can lie to close your next deal?
Always Be Closing is a collection sales tips from Vince's personal sales playbook called, "Just Buy It: Or I'll Stab You."
Joe Mantegna – After a brief stint in the Godfather, and lending his voice to The Simpsons, Mantegna went on to become one of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation. He won four Fiesta Bowls and his chemistry with Jerry Arborio was unparalleled.
Dick ButtKiss – This animal is nothing like his name. His name probably should have been Dick ButtKick. Anyone? No? Okay. This machine may be best known for his roles in Hang Time, and Webster with Emanuel Lewis. Make no bones about it this guy was a destroyer.
Tom Brady – Brady was the only joint child of Mike and Carol. He was primarily raised by Alice, and learned football from Sam the butcher. Brady would go on to dominate the sport of football, and step out of the shadows of his older brother Johnny Bravo.
Deacon Jones – The only ordained deacon to play in the NFL was a rugged force to be reckoned with. After serving his community parish, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow, Jones began his career by destroying quarterbacks. He followed each sack with a small prayer.
Jerry Arborio – After leaving his Uncle Ben’s field, Arborio went on to greatness in the NFL, and set almost every receiving record known to man. With Joe Mantegna by his side, Arborio was a constant threat. He spent almost twenty years in the league and his work ethic was unmatched.
James Brown – Ironically playing for the Cleveland Browns, Brown was the most dominant rusher of all time. He began his football career after a string of hit singles, and lit the NFL up. He shockingly announced his retirement after only eight seasons and went on to record Living in America, a song he played the night Apollo Creed tragically passed away.
Am I missing any players? Let me know, and let the debates begin!
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
"So, you finally got your A-Team salt & pepper shakers in the mail, but what are you going to do with all of those packing peanuts? I hope you didn't just say throw them away! Those soft nuggets of Styrofoam gold can be used to stuff any flimsy or old pillows you've got lying around the studio apartment/station wagon. A side warning… These things are flammable and they'll bring down your studio apartment in seconds. Do Not Use with a heat pad, I got burnt pretty bad."
Dollars and Sense is a series of helpful tips from the King of Frugality, Gil. Gil takes great care to test out and sample every tip he suggests. In a way he's the Martha Stewart of saving money. Everything you buy should have at least three uses, and Gil will help you get the most out of your purchases.
Technorati Tags: comedy, humor, funny, saving money
The town elders chose to ignore the newest member of the community when they found out she was colored.
Technorati Tags: funny picture, comedy, humor
After the recent wave of Sylvester Stallone remakes, the studio was primed to add a sequel to another classic film. They chose Cliffhanger as their next target and set out to create…
CliffHanger 2: The Fist Grip
The plot was bandied about for weeks, and was eventually scrapped for a high budget erotic thriller. The new premise also helped to explain the rather promiscuous title. It was intended to take Stallone out of the action genre and reintroduce him to the fans of his earlier work, The Party at Kitty and Stud's.
However when plans to cast Stallone fell through, the project was scrapped. Frank Stallone offered to take over the role, but his plea was rejected even though his offer to record a Reggae version of "Take You Back" was initially met with support.
Technorati Tags: fake movies, comedy, humor, satire,
Obama Lets Tears Fly At Local Rally
CHARLESTON – In an attempt to win votes headig into the South Carolina Primary,Senator Barrack Obama began sobbing at the podium Wednesday night. He spent the remainder of the rally balled up in the corner in the fetal position. One voter said, " it made him look human. I can see how that would help him in meetings with foreign dignitaries."
Seagal Settles Lawsuit With Judo Chop
HOLLYWOOD– Steven Seagal promptly settled an outstanding legal dispute with a karate like manuever that left the plaintiff motionless on the floor. The dispute involved allegations of contract breech, Mafia involvement, and physical harm. The plaintiff's family have announced that they will be dropping the lawsuit.
Fake Mayor of Fake City Dies
MCDONALDLAND – Tragedy struck McDonaldland yesterday when Mayor McCheese collapsed in his office in what most believe to be a massive heart attack. McCheese was known to have a high cholesterol a natural result of the grease the ran through his veins. He leaves behind an identical twin, H. R. Pufnstuf
The 10 Greatest Single Seasons In Sports
10. Ed Rogers' stunning performance in the River Valley Amateur Bowling League. Rogers amassed an impressive 185 point game average in 30 games, and finished with 12 strikes. Simply amazing.
9. Mark McGwire's performance enhanced smashing of Roger Maris' singles season home run record. This feat made Barbie Ruth look like a beer swilling girl.
8. Brian Bosworth's rookie season was spectacular. This Hollywood styled phenom made his mark on football with an amazing season and and even better haircut. Thanks for the steps Boz!
6. Sophie Jenkins' curling dominance in the 1963 Olympic Winter Games is unparalleled. The way she "curled" was amazing. I couldn't believe that she got the thing that close to the thing.
5. Bill Wennington's inspired performance off the bench of the Chicago Bulls was one of legend. He trailed the team with a 3.5 point scoring average and a negative 3 rebounds a game. If it wasn't for a couple of ball hogs, the Bulls could have won a few more titles.
4. Gary Bradshaw's season before he broke his leg on Monday Night Football was incredible. He was obviously on pace to break every standing record, but unfortunately he fell. I'll always wonder what could have been.
3. Duke Stevens' season with the Detroit Red Wings was known for its brutal fights. Steven's played every game that year, but spent only 10 minutes on the ice. He amassed an unheard of 698 penalties and spent over 3 months in the penalty box. The record stands to this day.
2. Grandpa Ray's performance during the 1986 holiday season was off the hook. In a two month time period, he had three heart attacks and was outfitted with a colostomy bag. He returned at Christmas to score the winning touchdown during the annual family tackle football game. He died that night from a collapsed lung.
1. Michael Jordan had a couple of pretty good years during the eighties. It's hard to pinpoint just one, so I won't. He was okay, and his season with the Barons definitely stands out in my mind.
(Editor's Note: Ricky's selections have not been verified. Some of the players above may be inactive, retired, injured, dead, non-existent or play for entirely different sports. We are also aware that selection number 7 is missing. Ricky doesn't know that this number exists.)
Technorati Tags: sports, satire, comedy, humor,
- What are we doing?
- Was he really in Days of Thunder?
- Do you think Ice T can get him a job on SVU?
- How did that old man score a hot wife?
- Are all lawyers actors?
- If winning the presidential nomination is water, we’re oil.
Help us get funnier. Have a one line zinger to add to this list? Just put it in the comments.
- I’m just going to add a little grease to the lens.
- I want to get a lot of the background in this picture. It looks better than you.
- My camera doesn't shoot ugly.
- If you could just rest your arms on the huge "08" over there.
- Right here. Right now!
- I can't zoom out far enough, your head is humongous.
- In your case it looks like the camera added about 50 pounds.
Have any other ideas? We'd love to hear them. Just put them in the comments section!
