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Fat Donation

November 29th, 2005

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Deep FryI got something for my birthday that is both glorious and repulsive.  My parents got me a deep fryer.  I know what your thinking, and yes it it the greatest gift ever.   Unfortunately, there are just as many cons as there are pros in this debate.  Let’s start with the cons.  

One, I’m cooking all my food in fat.  Yep, fat.  I’m no doctor, but from I understand this probably isn’t the healthiest thing in the world.  My poor heart feels like it’s trying to squeeze the last chunk of toothpaste out.  I’ve also noticed that when I cut myself, I don’t bleed anymore.  

Two, I’m cooking all my food in fat.

Three,  I’ve found myself taking deep breaths after every bite.  I never knew that eating could be so strenuous.  I feel like I’ve run a mile, but I’m only pounding down my forth piece of chicken.  I guess I’m just a lightweight, and can no longer hold my grease.  Although my face seams to be picking up the slack.  

Now on to the good.

I cook all my food in fat.  It tastes so good.  There’s nothing better than melting an animal’s wasted energy and using it to cook other stuff.  Basically, some cow was lazy so I could cook with him.  I applaud that.  I only wish that all my laziness could be used.   Maybe when people die we should stop donating to science and start donating to restaurants.  You could be a fat donor.  Besides, figuring out the best place to put a breast implant, what have scientists done for us lately?  Bird Flu is upon us dicks, hop to it.

I’ve also found that you can deep fry anything, and it will taste delicious.  My hamster Betty died while giving birth a week ago, I fried her.  No seriously, and it was delicious.  I just deep fried a steak, some cereal, a copy of TV Guide, and a bath towel.  They all tasted fantastic.  I’ve started trying new batters too.  The TV Guide was coated with hair gel.  It was the perfect deep fried dessert.  

Another plus, I never dirty other pans.  Besides I don’t have time to be taking pans three feet to the dishwasher.  I’m a busy guy and sometimes you have to cut out some of the extraneous activity in your day.  I’ve also stopped bathing, but I can cook while I go tinkle.

I think I like this deep frying thing.  I love the food, even if it may be unhealthy.  You have to live sometimes though.  So what if I put on a couple pounds?  I’m going to recycle my fat and give it to Bennigan’s.  If I can do it while I’m dead, why can’t lipo-suctioned people donate?  Hmm.  I’ll have to ask the doctor about it tonight, when I go in to take care of all these burns.

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