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Nolte Mug ShotI felt like crap yesterday.  You know, sick.  It came on rather suddenly, and it hurt.  Being sick is like getting a nice hard uppercut from Mike Tyson when you really want him to bite off your nose, in hopes of helping out your sinuses. 

Illnesses are scary, and so are body sized boxes.  So, in order to help myself, I developed a strict regiment to getting healthy.  Now, because I care, I’m gonna pass this advice out for free. 

Step one, pretend that you are in so much pain and discomfort that you appear to be a standing invalid.  This will ensure plenty of sad looks and good treatment.  You’re on your way to a healthy recovery! 

It is important to be specific when your sick.  For example, tell people exactly what you want no matter how labor intensive it might be.  It’ll happen.  Besides, you’re in no position to be taking yourself to the bathroom. 

On the contrast, however, you must always remain vague when diagnosing of yourself.  Always point in a circular manner when saying something hurts, and try to cover as much body mass as  possible.  You don’t want to get stuck answering the more difficult questions like, “do you have a headache?”  Stay away from specifics.  You can really get into trouble there. 

If the questions become to intense you can always say, “well, I’m not a doctor.”  This will eliminate all additional questions from non-licensed medical practitioners, such as a spouse.  WARNING:  Never say that to an actual doctor!  They quite simply can respond by saying, “well, I am,” and continue with the uncomfortable questioning.  Then, my friend, you are on the highway to the danger zone and I cannot help you. 

Another important step in faking sick…. ah being sick, is to establish a clear boundary on what you  can and can’t do.  It must be clear that you can play football outside comfortably, but it doesn’t feel good when you do anything else, like saying hello to your daughter. 

Lastly, video games and television are this era’s chicken soup and rest.  It’s a necessity.  So you’re gonna need to get eight to ten hours of that a day. 

As you can see, being sick doesn’t have to be a drag anymore.  If you follow my simple guide, you’ll be better in no time.   I’ve only had my cold for five years now and I feel great.  It’s a long road to recovery, but every step is worth it.

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