Characters Final Frame

The Chubby Choice

November 3rd, 2005

| Thoughts On...

Black PoloIn an effort to look good, I put on a stylish shirt, a crisp polo.  Its hue was black and from what I’ve heard black is capable of hiding curves. 

I slid into my shirt, only to realize that the fit was a bit snug. 

If you don’t mind, I just need a second to (rustling) take this (more rustling) mother (even more rustling) stupid (loud thump, followed by silence)  and done. 

I apologize.  I was having trouble breathing, much like a fat kid on the second floor straining to reach the ground level. 

While removing my shirt I thought to myself, “Well, I’m never wearing this shirt again.”  In struggle to stay rational, I re- affirm to myself that I will indeed replace my entire wardrobe and recycle a perfectly good shirt, because I’m too lazy to eliminate the five pounds God gave me to keep warm in the upcoming winter months. 

Have I gained and excessive amount of weight?  No.  Do I look like a slob? No.  Do I cry myself to sleep every night? Uh…yes.  Like an alarm clock I start up at 9 o’clock while listening to the song “Feelings”  on repeat. 

The funny thing is, someone told me I should just eat healthier.  Maybe I shouldn’t drink a case of Miller Lite at night.  “Fine!  I’ll drink a case of water every night!”   Suckers, water doesn’t come in cases.  It does?  Where?  Oh, Sam’s Club.  I see. 

Look, I don’t have time to eat healthy and surprisingly I don’t enjoy the rigors of exercising.   I’m not Lance Armstrong. 

So, the fact of the matter is this.  My cotton black polo shirt will no longer be worn, and it’s been forced into an early retirement.  The damage to its seam was extensive and it will probably be replaced with a falsie.  By falsie I mean, a big brown patch placed over the offending area by the family that picks it up from the Salvation Army. 

But before I let him go, I’d like to say a few words.  “It’s true that I haven’t always been there for you, and that I only wore you once or twice a month.  I would rather give you away than sacrifice five minutes of my day or expend any physical energy on your behalf.  I apologize for that.  I want you to be with someone where you’ll be taken care of better than I ever could.  You deserve better than this.  You have dreams, follow those dreams.   Before you go, I ee I ee I will always love you.  Oh, I’m choking up.  Goodnight sweet prince.” 

Black Polo Shirt 2004 – 2005. 

He is survived by a closet of baggier clothes that accentuate weight gain rather than hide it.  He will be remembered for his stainless record, the double header, and his ability to stay unwrinkled.  He will be missed by his partners in crime, Red Boy and The Good Neck Shirt.

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