Characters Final Frame

Timothy’s Birth

October 3rd, 2005

| Thoughts On...

AlienThere seems to be a new trend in the videotaping of births.  I, for one, find this act to be reprehensible.  I just don’t get the purpose of the average joe taping a birth.

Scientists tape births, for educational reasons.   It would appear to me that every day man is filming births for recreational reasons?

Why on earth would you tape a birth?  Out of all of the movies I can think of  to watch on a Saturday night, “Timothy’s Birth” doesn’t jump to the top.

Outside, of the Tony Danza Show, I can’t think of another tape that would be watched less.   When you make a tape like that you’re really saying, “I don’t really need this tape anymore,  I’ll just set it over here.”  It’s almost like buying ten videotapes and  hiding them.

I hope we never get to a point where people start watching these things, especially in large groups.  I’ll bring the cole slaw!  I fear that in a couple of years family movie night could turn horribly wrong when daddy puts in “Timothy’s Birth,” after making a fresh batch of popcorn and lighting a nice cozy fire.

With the advancements in technology, things can only get worse.  Soon DVD births will be all the rage.  These little wonders will be produced in anamorphic widescreen and riddled with special features.

Soon, kids will be able to watch their very own birth at an IMAX theater in 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound.   With these sound enhancements, it will be possible to hear the assisting nurse whisper to a coworker about how misshaped your head seems to be out of the left surround speaker.  Awesome!.

With births coming to the digital arena, one must speculate, what kind of special features we can expect.  All standard issue DVD’s will most likely contain a making of featurette,  “That Night in the Buick: A Clumsy Husband’s Tale.”  Odds are also pretty strong that the documentary,  “That’s to Squeeze His Head: An In -Depth Look at the Tools Used in the Delivery Room”  will  also be included.   A photo gallery with baby shower and birth photos might make the cut.  Also in as a special easter egg, “Watch Your Dad Cooing At the Wrong Baby in the Maternity Ward:  The Lost Footage.”

I can only speculate that the packaging will be a soft sack, in which the movie can gestate for several months.  No good can come of this.  Although I do think that watching ones own birth could cause serious brain defects and possibly send the universe into a state of flux, I also see dollars signs.

So, for a nominal fee I will forego my utter repulsion of child spawning and tape your next birth.  Please contact for details.

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